Melancholia

Depression still comes. I think it's genetic. I think it's fixable. I think it's beatable with the right mental exercises. 

I'm not sure what triggers it. I don't really care. Maybe I don't care because right now is one of those events. I call them "grey". 

This morning I feel like I woke up with it. It's rare for me to experience the grey the last few years. My wonderful wife, I have to thank for that. I am guilty of being not my best self when I am grey, especially to her. She deserves the best from her husband. 

The pull of the grey is seductive. I can see the way out sometimes. I can feel that I'm almost out of the emotion and that I am past it. However, something about the feeling of being down makes me want to stay that way. It's pathetic. I let myself be grey for longer than I need to sometimes.

Like most negatives that I experience, I go back to my stoic philosophy. I level myself. I ignore the grey. Soon it is gone. But not today. I am still swimming in it. 

Letting Things Go

I think that as everyone gets older, it becomes easier for us to let negative things go. We do not stress as much about what people think of us, we aren't as hard on ourselves on mistakes, it takes less time to forgive or forget slights, and we may even begin to shrug at some misfortunes.

I know that I feel this way now, and I can say that it is quite a relief to let go. Many negative things in life are only as powerful as we let them be. We create monsters out of those negative things, and give them their power. We do this a lot when we are children, and we continue to do this the rest of our lives. What we don't have to do, is make so many monsters. 

It's simple, but it's not easy. I think that every individual's path to understanding how to let things go is different. Mine for example, was purged in my youth. Other kids at school were very hard on me, and I was harder on myself still. I was very self-conscious, and though I was strong academically, I spent more of my time worrying about trying to get other kids to like me at school than anything else. I found something to fear in many aspects of my day-to-day existence: That I wasn't good enough at a sport, that I looked like a dork, that someone would push me around in the hallways, that my family was poor, that my artwork would get too much praise from the teacher, that someone would call me names, that I would sound too smart in class, that people would make fun of where I lived and the cars my parents drove, that I didn't wear the coolest clothes, that my handwriting was bad, that I was Catholic, that I had Jewish heritage, that... All of the things that were me, that identified who I was, I tried to hide and pretend weren't there. I couldn't let go of caring about all of those things, and it made a lot of my childhood miserable. 

Now I'm not complaining about my youth, I loved much of it, and was blessed with more than I ever could deserve. What I didn't have was the ability to let go. It was unfortunate that I went to a small town school; I didn't have friends that supported me and I wasn't comfortable letting myself open to identifying with anyone for fear of being made fun of. I taught myself well to hide. I pulled all of those monsters around with me on a tight chain, and hid them. Perhaps in a way I built fake monsters by not being myself: I tried to wear the clothes the other kid did, I kept quiet when I knew answers, I made excuses to avoid playing sports, I hid during recess and open class periods, I made my parents pick me up late or from distant locations to avoid being seen, I tried and failed to make fun of other kids...

Instead of letting go, I defied the world and myself! When I look back at that time now, I am floored with how stressed I was as a kid. I'd like to go back to that little boy now and tell him that it will all be okay. That none of "this" matters as much as he thinks it does. That he is only creating and building up monsters. But maybe that visit to the past would be a mistake. I am very proud of myself with how I handle stress now by letting things go, and maybe it took all of that practice as a child fighting monsters to get here.

Je ne peux pas changer...

...that's just how I am.

How many times have we heard people say that? How many times have we said it to someone that finds our attitude or behavior off-putting? 

What is a person really saying with the remark of "That's just how I am"? Are they just saying an excuse? Or perhaps they may be saying that they do not have the motivation to change this aspect about them. It is possible that they do not want to change, or that they think that this behavior cannot be changed. Both of which go far beyond the simplistic notion that they are just stubborn. That too may be an excuse.

It is important to look at the origin of both why the person is the way they are, and why they have the idea that they are unchangeable. One thing is certain, and that is that they have accepted the way that they are in the context of saying "That's just how I am." At that point, they are saying to you, "Accept this about me, because I do, and there's nothing to be done about it." 

Maybe there is nothing to be done about it, but I find the sentiment that an individual has no confidence in any change in their-self to be a lack of willpower and focus. Why is that person behaving that way, and excusing their-self of that behavior? Was it some factor of the way that they were raised? Was it accepted by people around them their entire life so was never before challenged? Was it a factor motivated by an event? The possibilities aren't really what I'm getting at. I find it curious that people accept themselves in a situation with behavior that is usually not positive, and yet hold others to a different standard where they do not accept the behavior of others. 

We cannot truly understand all of the intricacies for why others act the way that they do, but I think that we should be open to change. We aren't losing our identity by changing behavior, we are taking control of ourselves. We are revealing our identity of power, wisdom, and determination to improve, and we will creatively adapt that to ourselves in our own way. 

What are you saying?

It can be a psychological trap. You get these feelings of being overwhelmed with caring for people and investing in their lives and well-being. I think it could be dangerous. I know that some of the refugees kill themselves because they can't bear the feeling of failure, and I'm not worried about "offing" myself, but I can't help but fear the idea of failing another person...especially people who have been through so much. 

There's got to be some sort of balance. It could be harmful to my personal and professional life, and I'm not sure I've figured out how to juggle it. Is it so easy to leave my personal life at home and yet go to work and try to help people in their own personal lives? My reference is my own life...and I can't help but see through my own eyes. Does it wear on my relationships? My personal health? My job? My psyche and way of thinking? Too much thinking.

The work is so high stress; it's rewarding, but the fact that you are so involved in the well-being and future of people's lives sometimes...cripes it's hard. It demands the best that one can give because some of these people have literally been through hell on earth, and now they look to you for not just help but HOPE. You aren't supposed to think of failing them, but it's there in your mind, and you realize that you are creating a feeling of self-worth in another human being. This is a beautiful thing.

Compartmentalize, Ryan. Smile. Leave as much in your personal life at home. I can do this sometimes, but like I wrote, it's difficult to do work compassionately when you are trying to "turn off" your emotions. It's a job. It's not just a job. The client-employee relationship is tricky. 

I feel like the people I try to help see me in too bright of a way...like some sort of beacon of hope and opportunity. I suppose I am supposed to be, but it creates pressure. I care a lot about those I try to help; it's hard not to when they look at me that way. I must find a way, but it's unfortunate that you have to segment someone's life for a spot of time. They need you, and you give them an hour of your time and move onto paperwork and dealing with other people. Did I do enough? Will things work out for them? What's a reasonable amount of help I can give?

Can I talk to my co-workers? I don't feel confident enough to. I'm new. They're seasoned. 90% of my co-workers are former refugees themselves. I'm the only white male in my office. How the hell did I get this job? The work is often sad. You're cleaning a mess, fixing a wrong, improving a bad condition...toiling to build something new. It's always uphill, but at least it's for a good. Then again, the world is often sad. That's not my worldview, but when you work all day and see that negativity, it's hard to stay optimistic about everything is going on. All of these people from around the world having gone through such trauma. God help them. God help me never look at the world in such a bleak way. I can see it in some of my older co-workers that have been doing this for years. Some can be so negative and pessimistic. Did the job make them that way? I'll never let it happen to me.

They had a workshop for us where they suggested we relieve stress among other employees by talking about our problems. They told us to rely on others that do similar work. They wanted us to stop and enjoy simple things like tasting our food when we eat, watching the sun rise and set, listening to music, and feel how soft a blanket is. Hmm. Practice being "aware". 

Will these things make my work easier? I doubt it. I have so many nightmares...when I can sleep. It's like I'm awake all night fighting to sleep or fighting a terror in my dreams. It's exhausting and I go to work feeling like I have a hangover. It creates frightening thoughts in my mind throughout the day. Is it work that is doing that or just myself? I believe strongly in Stoicism and finding a strong askesis in myself, but is that the right way to go? Being more emotionally numb? Developing an apatheia? Maybe...only if I can still do a great job with my work. Is that possible while being objective? I have to wrestle the bad down and rise above, but I can't figure out if that's through a reflective philosophy or finding/creating something positive to balance it out.

It's easy to say "don't think so much".

par example

I am living very near where I grew up now, and with that experiencing things and being around people day-to-day for the first time in nearly a decade. 

It's odd how so many things about home have continued to stay the same; it's as if everything remains frozen or isolated in some habitat that keeps away change...take my dad for example.

I have always remembered him as a patient, wise, hard-working man who loved my siblings and I--and my mother even more. Nothing has changed. How is it that I feel I have changed enormously, several times throughout my years, yet my father seems to me to have had no transformation? Maybe it's because of age, our experiences, our personalities, or it even could be the fact that external perceptions are often misplaced.

And yet I write this because of my dad, who exists in my mind almost no differently than the way I remember him growing up except for one thing: his slowness to anger. Like any child growing up with a father, they can remember him cursing and yelling in frustration with something. It's usually a humbling experience because there is this figure who is always right while you are always wrong...an individual who is strong and unwavering...wise and deep in experience--who is suddenly subject to a fate that is beyond his control. 

Over the last few months, I have seen some unlucky things happen with my dad. And he simply deals with it now with a laugh; a joke at himself and a deflection to the fates that have continued to befuddle him while I was away. He doesn't yell and curse anymore, and somehow this reaction was always in him in other things he did. It's merely as if his sense of justice and equilibrium with the world has stayed the same, but now he has learned to accept it for himself.

I pray that I can inherit this wisdom!

Il ne fait pas de mal...

I feel like if I ignore painful emotions they will go away.  

If something seems scary for me, I create the worse case scenario in my mind and play it in front of my face at full force until it quickly seems unlikely, or at least until I grow numb to the fear.  Then, I find that I soon won't notice the danger or cause of what is bothering me and can brush it off like an annoying bug.  For example, I like to pretend in my mind that I am jumping off of high places, convincing myself in every sense...right on the verge of my brain sending instructions to my muscles to physically jump...that I am leaping to my death until my heart and adrenaline calm.

If I hurt someone's feelings, and feel bad about my choices, I take consolation in that I tried to make it has gentle as possible and seek to focus on ANYTHING else that distracts me from the pain of guilt.  For example, I like to play video games and read books to escape the pain of breaking up with girls, because it takes my mind off of the memories of the "us" I severed.

If I am sad about something, I work to talk myself into discovering the root of my ache, and knocking it down and making it seem trivial.  For example, I can break down and cry hard for 5-10 seconds and quickly recover myself by ignoring the sadness because I realize it is only temporary.  I convince myself that it isn't worth the effort or emotion to be sad since it won't last.

I realize that my methods are probably not psychologically...likely even physically healthy.  I believe that as humans we have such a variety of emotions for a reason, and it is likely that feeling them is a natural occurrence.  But I have discovered a way of blocking out the negative and being slightly and realistically optimistic.  I have taught my body and mind to react a certain way to situations, and I adore my malleability.  Only later did I discover the philosophical school of Stoicism, and find that I am far from the only person who uses this approach in their lives.