Melancholia

Depression still comes. I think it's genetic. I think it's fixable. I think it's beatable with the right mental exercises. 

I'm not sure what triggers it. I don't really care. Maybe I don't care because right now is one of those events. I call them "grey". 

This morning I feel like I woke up with it. It's rare for me to experience the grey the last few years. My wonderful wife, I have to thank for that. I am guilty of being not my best self when I am grey, especially to her. She deserves the best from her husband. 

The pull of the grey is seductive. I can see the way out sometimes. I can feel that I'm almost out of the emotion and that I am past it. However, something about the feeling of being down makes me want to stay that way. It's pathetic. I let myself be grey for longer than I need to sometimes.

Like most negatives that I experience, I go back to my stoic philosophy. I level myself. I ignore the grey. Soon it is gone. But not today. I am still swimming in it. 

Punch! Punch!

I raised an eyebrow to find "I hit myself..." being finished by Google with "...when I'm angry". The reason beingggggggggggggggggg I do this. Probably since I was 8 or 9 I think I can remember starting to do this. I'd punch myself in the head, thighs, or abdomen at certain times when I became angry. I slammed a door into my head yesterday and realized..."wow I still do this?" 

When I hit myself I don't want to hurt myself or damage anything, which is why I do it out of sight and not with anything that would have brash results. I have come to the conclusion that it is a crude way of dealing with anger. I'm not sure if I want it to stop. It's not that I like hitting myself, it's just that I don't care. I like my other mediums of mitigating being upset by running, reading, blogging, or trying to be around friends or family, but those are not always available, nor do they always seem like appealing solutions. 

But I will say that when it happens it eases the stress slightly. I don't think anyone has ever seen me do this, and I have not ever had an awkward conversation about where a bruise came from. I never thought all of this time that it was harmful. I probably still won't. I guess what sucks is the fact that I still get so enraged at myself. Sometimes the cause is bad luck, but in the end I will find a way to blame myself for not being able to avoid something or make a better decision somewhere along the line. More often than not the reason I hit myself is because I can't stand the fact that I made a bad choice. I have never hit myself because of anger at someone else, which is good I think. 

I feel stupid, embarrassed, and even childish about this behavior. It's strange, or maybe not after reading some of the comments, questions, and diagnosis about this on the web. But either way I have never been able to let this go over the years...but at least it's not an event every time I get upset. 

I've read extremes; that some people take this habit as far as cutting themselves or coming close to suicide. I've never considered doing anything like that...for me it has always involved quick, furious blows to a part of my body. It usually lasts only a few seconds. I'm not quite sure if it's a way for me to punish myself, or just to feel something. I've read that some psychologists relate it to depression and/or to distract from the present emotion of being disappointed in oneself. It beats me. (haha)

These past few weeks have been very hard for me. It feels good to type that.  There are two of me.  

I am not sure about where I am or what I am doing, yet again.  For a while there I thought I was pretty excited about being here in DC, but now I just don't know.  Most people annoy me.  I'm friendly and very patient, but this work-obsessed environment of people bothers me.  I miss home.  I'm not sure I'm supposed to go back.  

I want to rant and overgeneralize.  I wasn't born into having a family with money.  They were.  I didn't go to an expensive prestigious college and they did.  I have family and community connections in high society here on the east coast but I am bothered by using nepotism and they aren't.  I was taught values and lessons from making mistakes.  They were taught by their tutors and distractions.  I don't know anyone here and all of their friends and family are.  I think that the culture, people, and region of home is beautiful and genuine.  They think it's boring, ignorant, and backwards.  

I loath the fact that I get so depressed so often.  I don't feel like I have much to be down about when I think about it.  To make matters worse my depression hits me so hard it affects my relationships with people.  How can I be so confident yet so insecure?

On to another topic, this weekend I am going to get in touch with my heritage through museum visits.  Turns out the Holocaust Museum and Museum of the American Indian are on the same street.  I've been wanting to see them for a while.  The last time I tried to go to the Holocaust Museum there was a bomb threat and the security made me leave when I was 11.  Turns out there are threats for all of DC this weekend anyway.  My aunt and uncle told me tonight not to take any Metros either.  They would probably be upset to hear of where I'm going.  I'm not scared.  Why think and worry about such things as terrorist threats?  What are you really going to do about it if something happened?  The idea is that they don't want you to live in peace.  Avoiding things, worrying, and hiding doesn't help, you are folding over to exactly what they want.  I'm not letting cowards dictate what I do with my time.