beep beep

I will miss the bus rides in the mornings and evenings on my way to and from work. The familiar faces of the 20-somethings who cram together with me for our commute. None of us know each other, we are all strangers, yet we all recognize each other from the transit, day in and day out. I'll miss that. It is like we are part of an unidentified society. 

And on those bus rides I'll miss that these New Englanders often leave their shades open to display their cozy homes. The warm glow resonating from inside their homes are just as much a window for me to capture a glimpse of their lives as it is for them to see the day begin and end. So many people. So many humans! So many snug brick-laden streets and American flags.

Gosh...it's really awkward to observe this when all of these atrocious things are happening in Syria. Their city neighborhoods are being shelled by the armies and government that is supposed to protect them.

I've been here before

Yes indeed, sometimes it takes a collection of experiences for better or worse to understand what it is we truly want to do with our work.  I've found out for me that it has been a deductive process, and although I like it here in DC, I have come to realize that I want to help people who need help rather than helping those that don't.

For a career, I would like to use my experiences in languages, travel, and cultural/religious sensitivity in an ideal world.  But ultimately I feel that it is important for me to want to feel good at the end of the day of work, knowing my labours and activities have made a positive difference in at least one person's life.  Furthermore, I believe that helping others is motivational, working in this niche has always inspired me and given me encouragement and passion when getting up in the morning. 

But my social life outside of work right now is disappointing.  I partake in the teamwork and the niceties of my colleagues at work, but I know that they don't believe nor want the same things out of life that I do.  There is nothing wrong with their goals and aspirations, but I wonder how I can live and work in a social community in which I struggle to find common ground.  What is important and meaningful for an individual has the potential to move mountains, and ideally if I can work with others who share the same passions, that fervour can aid me in feeling as though I am working for something bigger than myself.

I'm positive now that I want to be back home, around my family and friends, but I have no regrets.  I've currently been looking at Catholic Charities in both Dallas and Ft. Worth, talking with both offices about volunteer opportunities to get a foot in the door, but this doesn't pay the bills.  I'm willing to get a hold of something temporarily to make ends meet and pay my student loans while I spend my spare-time wisely in working towards my career goals.  I would say the same situation is plausible here in DC, but I'd rather be around people who love me back home in the meantime.

These past few weeks have been very hard for me. It feels good to type that.  There are two of me.  

I am not sure about where I am or what I am doing, yet again.  For a while there I thought I was pretty excited about being here in DC, but now I just don't know.  Most people annoy me.  I'm friendly and very patient, but this work-obsessed environment of people bothers me.  I miss home.  I'm not sure I'm supposed to go back.  

I want to rant and overgeneralize.  I wasn't born into having a family with money.  They were.  I didn't go to an expensive prestigious college and they did.  I have family and community connections in high society here on the east coast but I am bothered by using nepotism and they aren't.  I was taught values and lessons from making mistakes.  They were taught by their tutors and distractions.  I don't know anyone here and all of their friends and family are.  I think that the culture, people, and region of home is beautiful and genuine.  They think it's boring, ignorant, and backwards.  

I loath the fact that I get so depressed so often.  I don't feel like I have much to be down about when I think about it.  To make matters worse my depression hits me so hard it affects my relationships with people.  How can I be so confident yet so insecure?

On to another topic, this weekend I am going to get in touch with my heritage through museum visits.  Turns out the Holocaust Museum and Museum of the American Indian are on the same street.  I've been wanting to see them for a while.  The last time I tried to go to the Holocaust Museum there was a bomb threat and the security made me leave when I was 11.  Turns out there are threats for all of DC this weekend anyway.  My aunt and uncle told me tonight not to take any Metros either.  They would probably be upset to hear of where I'm going.  I'm not scared.  Why think and worry about such things as terrorist threats?  What are you really going to do about it if something happened?  The idea is that they don't want you to live in peace.  Avoiding things, worrying, and hiding doesn't help, you are folding over to exactly what they want.  I'm not letting cowards dictate what I do with my time.