good bye 2007

Well there goes another year, *waves. What happened?  Well I'll tell you what happened....

I started off the year courting a lady.  By the first week, a girlfriend for the first time in 3 years. My single streak was over.  And like the asshole that I am I dumped her after about 6 months.  She was a good girl, with a good heart, just not for me, and I not for her.
 

Before I knew it I had graduated and left my best friends behind in Missouri, and headed off to my adventure in the the Colorado rockies to work.

I still don't know what to make of it, but I did realize so much about who I am and how I constantly take risks and need my friends and family. Here's some of my favourite pictures I took there though...

That was most of my year actually, since then I've been living back in Texas with my best friend from high school doing archaeological work as a field technician, a few weeks of work in some random state of America, a few weeks off at home in Texas. It's not my ideal work, but at least it's in my area of interest. Now I'm just working on getting my graduate school applications in.

I've made the year exciting, but when I look back at it, it was pretty rough for me physically and mentally.  And strange as well.  Just sort of finding myself I guess.  The thing that makes it so worthwhile though is that I can confidently look back and see how much I've grown as a human being. The experiences just build you know?  The most roller-coaster of a year I've ever had for sure.

i hate leaving home

I really hate leaving home, like, my house where I grew up and where my mom and dad live. It doesn't make any sense either because I go home and leave constantly. I figured I would get used to it, and I'm 22 years old now damn it! Hell, I went to school for 4 years in another state, and I'm still not over home. It's not like I get homesick really either, I mean, I have times where I miss home, but I never let it hold me back from traveling as often as I do. I guess I know why I love home so much, but it doesn't seem right for me to get depressed half the time I leave. Do you miss home?

oh and by the way, Merry Christmas!

I'm all about quality time with my lady

Not that I have a lady right now, and whether that's a good thing or not is debatable...

but,

Complete set of results

Quality Time: 10
Acts of Service: 6
Physical Touch: 6
Words of Affirmation: 6
Receiving Gifts: 1

This fits well I think, but after all I did answer the questions, it's not like it read my mind... so it should fit me. I'd also like to think that ideally, the girl I'm seeing would prefer these same characteristics in the relationship. That way it would be easier to reciprocate!

Here's the Quiz

you, are, ridiculous.

it's all just like a dream.

not like a fantasy where everything is blissfully pleasant.

and yet not like a nightmare either.
but also not in between.  i just really want to be told that everything is really happening around me.

i'm talking about my life here.  go to hell!  perhaps it all is a dream? everything just seems so surreal. i can't believe how quickly time is going by. it seems unreal to believe all that has happened in the last few years. it's as if i would be foolish to take all that has happened in, and buy it as reality.  no way!  haha, this makes no sense as i re-read what i typed, and thought about a person reading it and trying to sort it out...oh well i know what i mean.

by the way i made this snowman as a 3d model in a computer program, yeah i can do anything.

Excavations

When digging in excavation units, it's commonly known that excavators become quite competative when it comes to finding artifacts or features. Scraping soil millimeter by millimeter is slow and tedious, and this is why uncovering some form of cultural remains becomes a big deal. You want to be the one who finds the 'coolest' artifact.

Personally I don't really care too much. As long as the material is found on my site I'm excited about it. Yes it's fun to be the person revealing whatever that material is, but you're also the one prone to screwing up or damaging that material as well. I'm not saying that I don't want to be the individual finding things because I'm afraid of destroying the remains, I'm saying "hey thumbs up buddy". Archaeology is a destructive profession. You're destroying the record, and probably making mistakes you won't realize until later, or perhaps mistakes that others will realize lifetimes later. That's just the way it is.

Another reason there is competativeness in archaeological digs is because people want something to work on, like a goal. Sure, there is the fact that you are trying to answer questions about humanity, but when it comes to the labour, people want to be the guys who found the most artifacts, or found the best preserved building, or get to the bottom of their unit the quickest. Not to mention the people who want to impress their professors: "Dr. Jones look! look! I FOUND THIS!"

Again, I don't care. And guess what? When digging in excavation units you are designated to that particular area. No shit right? No amount of skill or luck is going to change what remains there are, if any, below you. You will find things eventually, and you are no better than the guys in the next unit over because you found more artifacts. I want to know what these people were doing here, how long ago they were doing it, why they were doing it, and what does it tell me about their culture. Keep your head down and power through.

i'm tired of being here

I'm tired of being here, on this hill, where I'm sure to find my last meal. No-one lives to be three hundred years. On this hill, nothing grows except greed. You will stay and finish your work, as long as need be.

I'm so sick of being here. I can't do this anymore from a social standpoint. I work all week with no one within 30 years my age, whether that's being confined to a hot, frustrating cubicle, or hiking by myself all day in the woods. Then I go home to my RV by myself, feed myself, and fight my mind to keep me from thinking about the past and the future. It's so miserably depressing. The weekend comes; okay no work. Still in my RV, alone, reading books and watching old dvds. Every damn weekend I do this shit.

The scenery is beautiful, but it means nothing to me after long, because I can't share it with anyone. I've climbed mountains, seen hidden waterfalls, lakes, canyons, bears, deer, elk, you name it. It means nothing to anyone except me, and it just makes me sad that I'm the only one to see it. I like being a lone on occasion, but as for living day to day, I have a tendency to enjoy being around my crazy species. Go figure, I got my degree in Anthropology!

I don't want to end this ramble on a silly note though, I'm almost angry at this point about my situation. But I can't regret it, it's been somehow good for me. 1 month left to go, it sounded like hardly any time when I thought about it last week, but today, after being here 3 months, it sounds like another one of those 3 months and I want to sleep the entire time by. Oh and by the way the picture is of home; the open plains of north Texas, not Colorado.

Tag

Fair enough, work is boring as hell so why not?

The Rules:you share 8 things that your readers don’t know about you. At the end, you tag 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going. Each blogger must post these rules first.Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. At the end of the post, a blogger needs to choose eight people to get tagged and list the names.


Fact 1: I go to mass every week
Fact 2: I shave my legs (shut up I have my reasons)
Fact 3: I still like to run everywhere to get to places in my house like a kid
Fact 4: I can't stand people who lie, even if it's in good intentions
Fact 5: Vodka is my favourite liquor
Fact 6: I was the fastest runner in my highschool
Fact 7: I always like numbers to be exactly on a 5 or 0; like music volume or clock time, but set my alarms to weird times like 7:22 or 6:17.
Fact 8: I talk to myself, out loud, all the time, when no one is around

Bomb Track

Rage Against the Machine is playing in New Orleans. I'm so excited I don't really know how to express it. Hell yeah I'm going.

First off, they just might be my favourite rock band. That's subjective though, and my favourite bands are unique and really can't be said to be better than one another because taste changes, as does the mood for listening. But still, Rage is awesome and I love their music. It's awesome to say the word 'is'! Why? Well if you didn't know, they broke up back in 2000 after the MTV music awards had them lose their nomination to Fred Durst. There were some internal conflicts as well, but that was the catalyst I guess you could say.

They band stayed together, save the lead singer Zach de la Rocha who went underground to Mexico or something, and teamed up with former Soundgarden's Chris Cornell to make Audioslave. Which was a cute band. A softer Rage Against the Machine with the lack of political activist identity that made them famous in the first place really.....but I thought they were still a solid band.

Anywho, for whatever reason they are back, not making new music however, just playing their older music at concerts. Here's the thing, they keep adding new concerts to their list, hinting that they are 'getting along'. woohoo! For the past half decade I've always been thinking to myself "damn, I never got to see my favourite band play, I sure wish I had gotten to watch them before they broke up, shucks, darn diggly darn dang."

Now I can, and will. 100 bands are playing in this 3-day event called Voodoo fest. I found 2 other bands that will be playing that I really like, well one band and one DJ: Tiesto (if you don't know who that is, bummer. download Traffic among others) and Smashing Pumpkins, another popular 90s band that broke up and seems to be saying "Hey bro, sorry about 1990-something, I didn't mean to get with your girlfriend and pee on your guitar. We had a good thing goin, lets play again.....because whatever I'm doing now no one gives batshit about." Or so he seemed to say. Good job Billy Corgan.

break ya

everytime i leave one, they tell me i'll regret it. i know damn it, i know i might. those girls have all been wonderful to me. i just can't like them back as much as i should, i'm not willing to adjust my life and make big sacrifices for them. i always come to find something about them that doesn't fit with me, and i just lose the attraction to them.

but wow, i've been lucky. the girls i've been with have been the sweetest people i've met, it's humbling to both realize and then experience how much they would do for me. and then i get upset at myself because i don't feel the way about them that they feel about me. which sucks, i can't change that really. but seeing their effort and watching them do things with so much intention and care behind it....i mean they are really working for something they believe in....."us"

know what i'm talking about?

so here i am, single again, and on the end that's not broken hearted, again. i hear getting your heart broken is awful, and i believe it, but i wouldn't know. but you know, being the person that leaves the other isn't exactly fun either. it's not like i've had someone else to run to....it's not like i've left a girl for another one. it's not like i left because i got cheated on, or that they put a gypsy curse on my family. or dog. what? i've left them always because i wanted something else, and i didn't feel that they could give that something else to me.

i guess it's not just one thing, it's lots of things. i always wanted a girl i could talk about my hobbies and my interests about...with luck, they would have the same interests too. i don't know, maybe that's not it, but it sounds good to me right now. i'm tired of talking to girls about their drama, forcing myself to be interested, and asking questions. i'd rather talk about what tree bark is made out of.....?

bad karma

fell off a cliffside, smashed my knee into a rock. no gashes, just a bad bruise...fack

slipped down some rocks because it was pouring rain, gashed up my hand pretty good as i was scrambling for life to grab onto something.

got caught in a nasty current kayaking across a river which flipped me over. fell into the river, watched my kayak carry a mile-and-a-half downstream, and got slammed into some rocks while in the current. omg rocks.

oh by the way that's the Dome of the Rock. it has the word 'rock' in it. yep

this the most dangerous work i've ever done....i mean crap this was just last week alone. the thing is, i find myself thinking about getting hurt and the first thing that comes to mind is getting really pissed off if i actually got injured badly. i'm not getting paid, the work is hard and tedious and i feel like i've been whipped everyday like a....medieval peasant. what?

so on another chapter; shaking hands mkay?

for most of my life i've always had a pretty soft hand shake. i hear it all the time from local wizards that every man should have a firm, hearty hand-shake because it commands respect and shows that you aren't a little girl...or something.

so i've tried lately to start shaking hands more firmly lately, and i pretty much do it subconciously now. so when i shake other guy's hands, i can tell they are all like "wow this guy is a real hard-ass, i better watch my step!" or so they seem. actually i don't know if it does anything, but i do notice that when another guy shakes my hand and they don't squeeze as hard as me i feel bad. heh, it's weird but i feel like i'm being a jerk or trying to act tough. so i feel guilty for giving a firm hand-shake when the other person just gives a soft grab. why am i talking about this? gah i love this blog!

so i was...

so i was eating at this asian restaurant today, and under the glass of the table top there are these zodiac years. an animal represents particular years and underneath each image there was a description of traits, as well as with what other animal compatibality is likely/not-likely.

some say when you are born your destiny is set, there is nothing you can do about your personality except adapt to your environment and deal with situations as you go. the alignment of the stars and planets creates an image of you and then you fill it in with your existence. i don't know about that, but i was born a taurus, and it's strange that i follow a lot of the characteristics that describe that constellation. even when i compare those habits with other zodiacs i still have more in common with the bull.

even stranger is that the year i was born was that of the ox. what the hell is up with me and bovine? i guess that goes with anyone that was born in the first half of may of 1985......making that whole cool-zodiac-mystery pretty insignificant. unless of course we all fit that description.

yes that's nice but...

My mom and dad are in town this week, which is pretty awesome. I can't say I've ever been this happy to be on a sort of vacation with just my parents. Free food!

My dad and I have been fishing a lot together, but I'm the only one catching fish. I really wish my dad would get some, I don't know why I just feel bad! He taught me how to clean fish and filet them though, which was pretty cool. I don't think he will ever run out of things to teach me, now matter how old I get.

Last night my parents and I discussed politics/ethics in the Catholic Church, I've realized how mature I've become and how I can hold an agruement with them on issues. My mother was mostly talking about her complaints and dissatisfaction with Pope Benedict, I didn't exactly defend him, but I tried to argue points to his decisions concerning Latin-masses and traditional ethics.

Personally, I would rather go to a Latin-mass, where the priest faces the altar like the congregation. Usually, the priest faces the people, mass is in the local tongue, and music is sang by everyone and played on instruments from guitars to drums to flutes. Nothing wrong with that in my mind, I think whatever makes people feel that they get the most out of the worship is the right thing. But I don't see why people like me can't have the traditional form, and all the Pope is doing is recalling that, he's not doing away with the contemporary style. The controversy that come with his decision I don't think go to the Papacy's blame, it's just people stirring up drama.

better

it's getting better up here in colorado. mainly because i've just come to accept the norm of being by myself and away from any friends or family. it's not as if i've made a good buddy or anything, haha that's my fault right?

i was thinking the other day, remembering those nights where i would stay up really late talking to a girl i liked. any idea what i'm talking about? where you talk for hours and hours, it's like the time dissapears. somehow the conversation is open to talk about anything, from sex to friends to family to embarrassing stories, etc. cool times, i hope i have more.

more than anything right now i want to go back to Oman. i'm tired of hiking around these woods all day everyday and not doing any cultural research. it's like the work is just there to be done, there is no motivation. all we have been doing is marking sites, mostly old mining pits. there are no artifacts and there is no work done to find out who did it and when. what kind of archaeology is this? whatever it is, i really don't like it.

....so i may go to a bar tonight or something, i have nothing better to do, and i want to meet some new people here in Gunnison. this is only my second weekend here, and i don't really know any other way to meet people my age. we'll see how it goes.

Colorado

Well, I'm in Colorado now working for the government. It's nothing that special, it's actually the USDA Forest Service, no FBI or anything. That doesn't mean it isn't interesting, but at least it deals with my niche of archaeology. The government definately has different methods in handling field work and data, I'm going to have to get used to it as I will be working with them until mid-Fall. To be honest, I don't think they evaluate data or sites as much as they should, and being that the work of archaeology is destructive, I think they might as well work on their research as much as possible and evaluate the data in the field to the max.

That's all I have for now, except that I am extremely lonely up here. They moved me into an RV in the mountains, it's gorgeous, but I have no one to share it with. I have no contacts or friends up here, and I don't exactly work with people within my generation. I don't even get cell-phone service up here. In a way it's a good challenge for me being isolated, but that doesn't mean I like it. In fact it just reminds me of how much I miss my friends at my alma mater - Missouri State, and at home in Texas......sooooo depressing. It's going to be a long haul for sure, but I know I can make it.

Ryan over and out....

he was...

I don't know if you guys have seen an undesguised angel before but.....let me tell you.....they are horrifying. So the two angels God sent down were fortunate enough to meet this gatekeeper named Ryan. He was an exciteable, happy lil dude, who capered and sang..... And strange enough, he didn't want to do them or anything like that. All he wanted was, to feed them kosher treats....and whatever goes with that. He also gave them footbaths, and everything else that God was really into back then.

I'm so careless, it's just like....I'm going through the motions. It feels like I'm not giving my best. I'm so worried about this summer.

mortem

Death.

I'm ready for it. I don't mean this in a weak, self-centered, depressed, or even suicidal way. Rather, I mean that I am simply satisfied with my life. Don't worry it's not like I want to die. (creepy)

I have goals and ambitions, things that I want to learn, people I want to meet.......but I feel that I have fulfilled enough already that if the world were to end, or I was to get mauled to death by pigeons, I'd be like "bummer, alright so be it"

But I'm ready for it. I have enough faith in God and the afterlife that it makes me feel unafraid of death. I feel that I have realized the beauty of this world and its inhabitants. I can't even put into words the awe I have for the behavior of mankind. Indeed, people can be ugly too, but I think God wants me to look past that.

The experiences that I have had, the times shared with others, the love felt, the love lost, the family, the friends, the passions, the sadness, the anger, the joy, etc. --- in my 21 years of being, have been wonderful and I regret nothing.

Everyone and everything is so beautiful, and it's that beauty, that magnificence, that makes me feel content. It's so overwhelming that I feel like I'm always missing out on things in this world and at the same time appreciating all of it.

Stanley

Stanley Cup playoffs are finally here and tonight, my beloved Dallas Stars go to Vancouver to play the evil, diseased Canucks. Actually I've always kind of likes the 'Nucks. Anywho, whilst I'm supposed to be studying for my History of the English Language class, I'm going to be screaming and hollaring at the T.V.

As for life, it's cruising along like it should be. Full of stress, but this is nothing new, I'm still having horrifying dreams every night, but I they happen so much I think I'm starting to like them. It's like a thriller movie or something. God would be a good psychologist, if I could just get to him and ask him what in the world is going on.

awaken

This is a portrait of me that I had painted around 1807. Of course, in those days I had always dressed properly, and portraits were done by an artist with a brush, not a silly lense. Anyhow...

My damn i-pod headphones broke again. What the hell is wrong with apple that they cannot manufacture a descent pair of headphones when they make the most reliable, popular set of mp3 players in the world. This is my 4th pair of headphones, now I have to buy a 5th-I'm definately considering buying some other brand, but I like these white i-pod ones for some reason. This means going to e-bay and ordering another, and then waiting for them. Wow, if that is all I have to complain about, things must be kickin ass!

Another awakening retreat, another awesome time. I used to go to mass, not for weak reasons, but mainly because I felt I owed God, and I should because it's the right thing to do as a Catholic Christian. I still go for these reasons, but now I really really love going. I love the community of friends and family, I feel warm as I worship and rejoice for God's love, and I think my relationship with God is getting stronger. I can't put into words how it makes me feel, it's almost like being on a drug hah!

As for the retreats, it's unique to have the opportunity to talk with educated people who have more or less the same ideals and morals as you. Instead of being at school and living in what I think is a fairly secular/diverse America, where people differ, judge, and sometimes even insult you for your thoughts, reasoning, and philosophy, there are people that will listen and perhaps agree with you on theological/faith ideas. Futhermore, being with people my age, who like to goof off and act immature at times just like me, who share the same goals of support, love, and closeness to God, is purely a dream. To see these people spending their time helping others and at the same time enriching their spirits for their faith is absolutely beautiful. I am just so blessed that it breaks my heart....

more...

more scary dreams. i kinda like them, not when they are occuring, but it's the thrill of fear that's pretty cool afterwards. they are so vivid! you know how you forget dreams a few hours after they happen? well, these dreams stick.
a recent one was that i dreamt i was lying in bed facing the wall. suddenly the wall to my back started moving toward me, i couldn't see it because i wasn't facing it, but i could feel it pushing closer, until the bed and blankets started closing in on me tighter and tighter. i was still lying on my side facing the opposite wall. but behind me everything was slowly starting to envelope over my back and legs. it wasn't uncomfortable at first, but the pressure was gradually becoming stronger. i started to hear a groaning sound, then it felt like a body of something was moving over my back and side...something much bigger than me.

i can't describe but that i felt pure terror.  i thought i was going to die and i couldn't move, it swore that someone or something else was in the room with me, just beyond the edge of my peripheral vision.

i woke up, lying on my side facing the wall in the exact same position. the wall and bed starting pushing over me again, the groaning started, more like a low grumble or roar. lord the fear. it felt more like something alive was touching me this time, crushing me with its mass, i couldn't move i was so afraid. i kept wondering how this was happening because i thought i woke up. i could still see the wall in front of me and i looked at nothing else, i think i was too scared to look up or behind me. i could see out of the corner of my eye that whatever it was behind me was dark. i remember thinking to myself i had to wake up fast or i would die or something. but it was like the the thing moving over me was moving so slowly it wasn't actually gaining any distance. the groaning continued and i finally woke up.......laying on my side, facing the wall.

that grumbling noise is still in my head. def one of the scariest sounds i've ever heard.

hell

So I saw hell in a dream the other night, well, maybe it wasn't hell. It didn't look like this, but I think it's interesting that humans try to depict an idea of what it would look like. We can describe it, what the atmosphere is like, who is there, the pain, the fear.

I just had a dream I was going through this tunnel or hole or something, and I was moving through it faster and faster, there was fire on all sides. Creatures, maybe demons or something lashing out at me as I moved. I was going through the tunnel with hundreds of other people and body parts; limbs, heads, etc.  It's like everything was gravitating down through this tunnel, like something was pulling us to an end, but the feeling was that the transit would never end, it was just going to keep me anticipating something, but meanwhile bothered by fear and uncomfortableness.



I kept urging myself to wake up but I couldn't. I was scared but a part of me wanted to continue through and see what would happen. Would I fall forever? I eventually woke up but never saw the end. Yikes.