vive sine desiderium

I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. I get taken aback sometimes with how painful our relationship has become. Like most things that are negative in my life, I ignore it. I pretend it isn't a problem and therefore it can't hurt me...except those times when it hits me.

I miss him so much. I wonder if it grieves him. I wonder if he thinks back on how close we were, how much we experienced together. He's the single-most link to my childhood, and I to his, and now we don't so much as speak. Maybe he doesn't know how to fix it. Maybe he's ashamed. 

I don't know why he ignores me. I've begged him to tell me what's wrong. I wonder if it's something I did. I wonder if he cares at all. I thought moving back home would change things. I thought I could help him. Sometimes when I think about him it's like he's so far, almost like a ghost. Like, I knew who he was, but he is no more. Which I suppose is like he died. But he's not, and that is a peace of mind. I'll be there for him when he's ready to come back to being my brother. I miss him.

I am going to do more

I have watched earth be formed anew at Mauna Loa.

I have slept under the cold stars at 12,000 ft in the Rocky Mountains.

I have played on the beaches of the Gulf of Mexico.

I have fished the waters of the Bosphorus.

I have ridden camels through the sea of sand dunes in the empty quarter of the Arabian Desert.

I have snorkeled the floor of the Red Sea.

I have thrown snowballs off of the edge of the Grand Canyon.

I have surfed the blue waves of the Pacific Ocean.

I have hunted the game of the American Prairies.

I have walked on the frozen water of the St. Lawrence River.

I have floated in the Dead Sea.

... and I am going to do more.

Fine, Lets See How This Works

I'm going to change quelque chose in a good, cliche, New Years Resolutiony way. My strategy revolves around not being so hard on people(cliche bomb). I am realizing that I am truly cruel and unsympathetic sometimes. But, I'm not going to pretend I am...oh no...instead, I am going to work on just keeping my mouth shut and working on tangents or something positive for the person.

Before, I've gotten in the habit of criticizing them and knocking them down a peg. However, behind that, my motive was not for myself to feel superior, but for the person to get a reality check. I have an addiction to tactless honesty. I want to correct them. I know that I am right. Furthermore, I don't like the idea of people not thinking or seeing the world in the that way I do. It is simple as that...and I for some reason have developed a complex to try and push or convince those I meet to see it my way. It's wrong for so many reasons. Anyway, 2 days down and I've already been stopping myself with success. 

I know that I never used to do this, therefore I either learned it or gained this habit and it changed me. I know that I can make it go away. I've proven again and again to myself how malleable I am.

I am losing my mind.

windows

The two former Marines that I sat across didn't know each other until moments ago. One had finished his service 3 years ago, the other just 3 days ago. I observed them talking about where they were based and what places they traveled, but there was not one word between them about what they did or what they saw. Instead, they exchanged annoyances about administrative duties, and eventually began talking in acronyms and numbers until I was lost and sat there blankly. 

Suddenly, I snapped out of my trance because I noticed the silence between the two young men. Each of them were facing forward with their eyes cast slightly downward towards their thoughts. Each man had the look of a person reliving a memory; the eyes empty and devoid of sight, while the mind takes over and plays the recording of what the eyes had once witnessed. After a few moments, the older Marine, still not looking at anything in particular, said, "I'd never do it again." The younger Marine without pause replied, "Yeah no way. I'd never go back. I'm done." The two didn't talk a word more about their service, and carried on about their families and homes.

Bless those that have seen war. I'd want to leave it behind too.

if i do this, then this happens

I'm fascinated with cause and effect. So much that sometimes I don't even need to physically carry out the action because I can find satisfaction in living the action and result in my head. 

Why not take something dark for example? Yeah. Why not.

I can hold a knife, and envision tearing deep lines in my wrists. I don't think of this dark event because I want to die, but because I want to toy with the reaction. In my head I believe it would hurt, but it's not a normal kind of pain. It's a deep, warm, almost dull pain. The dark red heating my skin and filling my vision. My body, being the conscious machine that it is reacts wildly to defend and preserve itself. My heart racing, only speeding the streams. Meanwhile my mind stays calm as the decision-maker...but like on the edge of a cliff...in awe and wonder that the body is on the verge of destruction. The body scrambles and fights in vain to live, making me feel warmer and warmer until I sweat. It becomes like there are truly two of me, one letting go and the other desperately pleading for life. 

When I have imagined this, I sometimes feel like I can get the high, or the rush of the reality. I don't know why my mind goes there...but it has liked to for many years now. I'd never actually do it. You see, I don't actually want the ultimate effect!

My addiction isn't always sadistic; I told a story not long ago about me wanting to run out onto the Texas Rangers Ballpark.  

Sometimes I'll even play out little reactions, like if I am exchanging something between a person, I'll try to keep my grasp lazy or aggressive to ensure that I touch their hand...simply to get that feeling of closeness to another individual. Other times I'll give a person a compliment that, although is genuine, is unnecessary--not because I want to express my feelings, but just so I can watch how that person reacts to my words. It reminds me of being a kid and making faces at a dog or cat, just to find out their response to a particular image of me. 

Maybe it's an infatuation with power; the ability to move an object or create an event with my will. Perhaps it's no different than a child pushing a button to hear a sound; satisfied with the result because "I did it". 

high brain occupancy

Females. Is it such a focus of the 20-something male? Has it always been? Is it just me? I'd like to know, then I can work on figuring out why they are something I think about nearly every sleeping and waking hour of my life.

When I am with someone, that girl is nearly all that I see. I'm a loyal guy by nature. But the fact still remains in that I think about that girl throughout my day. I'll end up thinking things like: how great they are to me, something they did that confused me, how I couldn't wait for the next time we would have sex, a new idea I could do for them to impress them, a particular trait that I wish would change in them, or just an imaginary conversation in my head between the two of us. That girl is a relentless thought.

Yet even when I'm single, my focus is still women. I'm making plans, playing out conversations to make various girls laugh based off of their individual sense of humor, gauging things I like or don't like about them, texting and calling them, imagining the next level of a relationship with them, and wondering what exactly they think about me. Those girls are relentless thoughts.

All day long I'm checking my phone, playing the guy-likes gal game and cautiously calculating my moves in a way that helps me continue being myself without looking like a man-whore. What can I say, I feel more comfortable respecting a woman's boundaries.

Still, I didn't realize until recently that females occupy my thoughts all day. What gives? Isn't that kind of a big deal; that I spend so much of my time focusing on that? At least it hasn't become a distraction...or has it? 

Perhaps it is simply a need that I am trying to fill. Perhaps it is a temporary facet of my life until I get older. Perhaps it is society. And perhaps it will be something I will manage the rest of my life. Interestingly enough, I just want one. Just one. I want mine, damn it. Females.

a couple of things

I feel nearly the exact same dissatisfaction with my life that I did a year ago right now. Despite all the changes I've made: the different relationships, the different city, the different job, the different effing haircut...I'm still angry.

Hmm, it must be me. Well no shit. It just makes me wonder if it was even worth it to leave in the first place. Let me back up again, why have I always looked ahead? Why have I been so eager to move on and run away to the next place? Why can't I just sit still!?

I don't want to cry because it feels like admitting that I give up

I was always working so hard to make sure that you got enough

But these sleepless nights and heavy heart

Make me want to rip what we built apart

It's funny how feelings can be so fleeting and yet at other times so concrete

And with us it seems like those emotions were incomplete

I don't know what else to do to try and make myself happy

But numb that memory for now and pretend to be laughing

I'll be okay in my own time and in my own way

Because the sun will rise tomorrow again and bring another day

God I can't take this anymore...