Three of them I've hurt so bad. With each one, there was at least one moment where through their tears and whimpers they looked me in the eyes and said "Ryan...please, don't do this to me." "Ryan come back, please...come back" "Come back to me...please don't leave me..."
I never had an answer. And again with each one I looked down, unable to see that face in anguish because of me. For them, my lack of an answer did not mean "Yes I'll come back to you", but it didn't mean "No" either. Jamie, Katie, and Julie each clung to hope so tightly. They believed in 'us' so much.
A part of me always wanted to stay, almost solely on the fact that I didn't want to hurt them. A part of me wanted to be everything that they wanted, be that Ryan that they fell for, and love them just as madly as they loved me. They deserved no less.
I never thought I'd find myself in that situation again after Jamie. But I did again, and again. It hurts me knowing that I hurt them, and no amount of comfort in "experience" or "wasn't meant to be" makes the pain any weaker. I know that they forgive me, but their begging, and the words "Ryan you are my everything" resonates in my thoughts and dreams.
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