Keep up

I haven't wrote much on this blog this year. Maybe I don't need it as much as I used to. Did I ever need it? Were all of my past writings important for me to release stress? To feel like I told something what was troubling or exciting me? I don't fucking know.

This blog wasn't intended for anyone to read but myself, and when that is the situation I am purely motivated to write for me and myself only. Authors write columns or public blog posts because they know that people read it. They want their thoughts to be seen and may even feel that they owe the public something. They are motivated by the external expectation as well as for themselves. Maybe not even themselves. Beats me. Ask them. Whatever.

findthecenter.blogspot.com means a lot to me. It's a capture of myself and what I was going through and planning at different stages and places in my life....which of course I do not forget, but I like to have this in order to remind myself of who I was, and what I wanted. It's about 9 years old now, and as I get close to a blog being used for a decade, I realize that I want to keep using it for another 9 years.

I'm ready and not ready for what's next. And I think that this is all the better.

doubt

At this point, I have no idea what I am doing. When have I ever. I have had plans and dreams, but as of right now, things seem unreachable. I can see why so many adults throughout my life have settled. I understand now. I get why people stop fighting for their dreams and desires. I don't blame people for living their seemingly boring lives that I will never understand the details of.

When I was younger it seemed easy: If you wanted to be something or to go somewhere, then the answer seemed to be to just do it. There was no question about it. Now I realize that if everyone actually followed their dreams, our world would be a completely different place. Our civilization would be unrecognizable...so much that I can't even imagine the difference. I do know that it wouldn't be what we have now. I also realize now that those people older than me settled at some point and many stopped trying...living the way that they did because it was practical. They compromised because they knew that they couldn't have it all. I suppose that some individuals can, but it's rare. Most people do what they do out of necessity and comfort. Dreams are often uncomfortable to obtain.

So I come to this point where I find myself with a good job, a solid social life, and little material wants. What else could I ask for? What do I want? Who do I want? Am I so blinded by the confusion with what to do with myself that I am missing important things in front of me? Do I compromise it all and just accept what I have? What about my dreams? What about the places that I want to go experience, jobs I want to try, things that I want to learn? Am I defying myself? Am I betraying my heart? Am I being true to myself? Am I destroying a part of myself?

I'd like to believe that God has set my paths, that He is guiding me the entire time. Yes...I would like to. But I cannot accept that as a full truth. Things may indeed happen for a reason, but where is the free-will if all is predestined? If I am being guided then whatever would need to happen would happen. But where is my dream? Where is my decision in all of this? Is it all supposed to make me and everyone else happy?

Anger and sadness are just as much of a gift to the human emotion as joy. I argue that things wouldn't be changed or improve if it wasn't for negative feelings. Justice carried out, nations liberated, slaves freed, rights granted, pain relieved...the motives are countless. So does God put us before things that make us unhappy as to push us to change things? Is He even doing any of that? Does it matter?

If I believe that he knew what to do with me, then I wouldn't worry. I may not know what I am doing, but I would trust that events would happen in my life to make me understand my purpose. But deep down, I am not sure that I really believe that. I feel that I have to make the change on my own. The problem is, what changes do I want? What am I willing to give up to get those changes? Would I be happy with those changes and finally live my dream?

inquietus

Not to say that I wish this was 1500, but if it was, I wouldn't have so many options. If it was 1500, I would not find my lot in life, my lot in life would find me. I wouldn't decide where I should live and where I should work, but instead those paths would be before me. Sure, I might decide among 2-3 different jobs such as following my father as a craftsman or say, becoming a merchant or a soldier, but what array of choices is that really? I'd be confined to living near home, if not in the same household my entire life with my family. I wouldn't think twice about marrying whoever my family arranged or if I was lucky, a girl of my choosing...as long as she fit my social class lived within 5 miles of my family. 

Mais actuellement non! The world is open before me! I have been blessed with modern technology, handsome features, a clever-enough mind, a progressive society, and enriching experiences that lead me to about as much direction as outer space. 

Up? Down? Left? Right? Back? Forward? Diagonal? Wait; where the hell is "right" anymore?!? 

I have been many places and learned many things. But there is so much more. If I work hard enough and apply myself, I can be practically anywhere I want to be. It becomes impossible for me to sit still and be content with a job, a city, a language, a geography, and yes: a girl. I find myself questioning my lot as to why I am still doing what I am doing every year.

I become bored with a job and find something else nearly every year. I go into serious, wonderful relationships with lovely women and find that we probably aren't good for each other. I have lived in a different location every year since I left home. What has gotten into me? When did it get there? Why did I study Ancient Greek, Russian, Latin, Arabic, and French? Who does that?! 

Did I do all of these things simply because I CAN? Why do I continue? Perhaps I am in love with the idea of not settling, but will it go away? My contentment is fleeting and only lasts the duration of the change over several months, then it goes back to being hungry for something else. 

Gosh those words are so sexy together. "Something else".

Get Out

They'll never leave. 

I don't ask them to come in anymore.

They got in here because I let them in once, a long time ago.

But back when I let them in, I loved them and was excited to have them here.

Now they are dark and hurtful, and I can't get them out.

They come in and dwell in that place that used to be theirs.

But they aren't suppose to be there.

I don't want them in, they make me sad.

Marry Church or Marry Woman

Every Catholic male ponders the question at one point or another: "Should I become a priest?"

I don't know what God is. I don't know what God is not. Putting him in the category of "knowing" and "being" are not even justice to His existence.

The sacrament of being called to the priesthood comes through Holy Orders. If I don't know God or how he really talks to me, then how would I know that I am being called? Priests, parishioners, friends, family--they all say "you have to listen! you have to be ready and able to hear God's call" Okay...

What does that even mean? Do I feel it? Do I stay my path until one day I find myself either with a wife and kids or at the pulpit? Something in me fights the idea of being a priest. I don't know what it is or where it comes from. Is that God? Is that me? If it's me, is it selfish preservation of the freedoms of a layperson? I'd hate to be called to be a priest and miss it because I wasn't listening...

Then again, if it was in His will, I'm sure it would happen. Right? I've never really been on the fence with the idea, as I said I do not wish to become one. To make the idea even more inappropriate, the advantages of being a priest are what I think of when contemplating the calling:

• Part of a sacred brotherhood that has lasted for centuries
• No financial worries
• Pride in duty/position
• Trips to Rome and the Holy Land
• Admiration of many people
• Closeness to God and more time to contemplate faith

I don't think that "perks" should be weight to tip the scale in wanting to be a priest. I feel as though it should be something deeper and spiritual. I've asked priests why they went through the seminary and ordination, and surprisingly, I met quite a few who spoke of it as being without "a calling", but instead that it "made sense" or "seemed like the right thing to do". Boy that complicates things.

I have never been able to see myself in the future. Even as a kid, I couldn't picture myself in my 20s. Now in my 20s I can't see myself in my 30s or even as an old man. I want to get married and have children of my own, but I can't see it. I can't see myself alone and yet I can't see myself aging with another person. All my life I assumed that this meant I would die young or something. But maybe it's just like that for everyone. People say they can "see it" because they can imagine it. I have done too many things for reasons that I don't know that I don't bother imagining. I don't even know how or why I did them. Will becoming a priest one day just happen like that also? Or will finding a wife and making a family just happen?

Standing Above a Crowd

You're supposed to treat others the way you would want to be treated. Do this throughout your life on earth and you are promised eternal life. Celebrate the gift of life that is given to you and try not to be selfish with your time here. Do this and upon your death you will enter a kingdom where there is no pain, fear, worry, or sorrow. 

That all sounds desirable. This man came around 2,000 year ago and told everyone he met these kinds of things. It's no wonder he found a few followers. Since then, millions of those who believed him have lived and passed on, realizing for whether his promises were true or not. For better or worse, we don't know if they proved him right or wrong. 

Yet even if it was all false, what the man told us to do to get there really isn't asking for much. In fact, if you have ever done kind things for others and showed compassion to those in need, you more often than not feel good about yourself anyway. Isn't it ironic how you are ultimately serving yourself by serving others? 

On This Day

150 years ago today, State's rights were fought for like it never had, and probably never will see again. 

Although 150 years sounds like a lot of time, but in reality for mankind it is not. It is horrifying in that perspective to understand that men stood in lines across from their foe, and marches into volleys of bullets, unwavering. The side that held out and shot more men in the opposition's line held victory. The bravery still stands as no less than astounding.

The battle at Gettysburg, most notably Pickett's Charge ended in a slaughter for the South, and being reminded today of the 12,500 men who marched uphill for almost a mile under cannon and musket fire the whole way, is heart-breaking. Of every 2 men in that charge, 1 would be a casualty. 

For us Americans today, may the forefathers of this nation that fought for an idea bless us and give us the courage and determination to live meaningful lives. And through their example, help us be guided by knowing what is worth fighting for; because knowing this is significantly more difficult than it may seem.