crunch

One of my favorite things in life has to be crushing egg shells in my hands.

gah

For me, it feels like almost all the things that make me upset are things that are completely out of my control.  Even knowing that the origins of those pains are out of my reach, why do they still hurt so bad?

number 1

I remember I was 14 in my first year of high school when I got my first note from a girl in class.  She probably gave me 10 notes or so over a couple months, but I probably only wrote her back 2 times I think.  She was African-American, which wasn't a surprise to me or anything, but I remember at the time I didn't care particularly because it felt good for a girl to be interested in me.  She was an okay looking girl, nothing stunning, but far from ugly.  And I wasn't a popular kid in middle school or high school, but it was nice that someone noticed me, and she was probably more well known than I was.

I remember holding her notes all day and not reading them until I got home, when I'd close my bedroom door and sit on the floor against the wall and read them, and then take out the ones she had sent before and read them back again.  We had lockers right next to each other, so I would see her everyday and we would chat a little.  At the time I didn't understand how the dating or boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic worked, I never knew what to do, I didn't even know if I wanted to see her in that way.  Even if I did, I know had no 'game', I mean come on I was a skinny goody-two-shoes nerd that never really said more than 3 sentences to a girl at once.  

Gosh when I look back at that fact, that I couldn't even talk to girls, being the way I am now, is so bizarre.

One Friday day at my locker, she handed me a small note, and folded it in a complicated way that took me a good 10-15 seconds or so to open, maybe she thought I opened them on the spot.  Because after she gave it to me she quickly went off to the last class before the end of the day, so I wouldn't see her until next week.  When I got home and opened it, I blushed...

munch

I was surveying along the Jordan-Syrian border one day, and I had never spent so much time in wheat fields before.  They get a good amount of rainfall there, so there is actually a good amount of green and vegetation....

But anyways about the wheat fields.  I started picking a few of the wheat beards along my transects and found myself eating the seeds.  It's actually kind of like eating sunflower seeds, you have to pick out one of the beards and separate the shell/beard before you can eat the actual seed.  It was very crunchy and the taste was sort of like a granola bar.  

Eventually I decided to collect a few stalks and collect and chew 50-60 seeds or so at once, and to my surprise it turned into GUM and got a little sweeter I think.  I even pulled it out of my mouth and it looked like any piece of chewing gum.  What is the significance of this?  I invented my own gum damn it.

human emotion

So I've been thinking that humans have 4 core feelings. I don't usually like to categorize things like this that are kind of out of reach to really comprehend, but I'm convinced people's moods are degrees of:

Anger

Fear

Joy

Sadness

Okay, so I sorted them into those 4, but right after I did that, I noticed something. Joy is alone. Anger, Fear, and Sadness are all usually ugly and negative. So then I thought, wow, we humans are doing all right. If my idea is right, we are doing well just living around each other considering it is in our nature 75% of the time to be upset about something.

Wait, Ryan you can't divide up human emotions like that!  Who the hell do you think you are!! RAHHH plus...who spends 75% of their life without Joy?  Hmm, maybe some do, bummer.  But for the most part, even I don't think that's true, but something should be said for the fact that we are hardwired for only one core, positive emotion.

it's been too long

It is not weird to be thinking about a deep thought and say to oneself, "Hmm I should put that in my blog." I think everyone deep down really wants to keep their own journal. To keep their thoughts, feelings, and stories to paper(text), makes them feel as though they are lasting. It doesn't make the experiences in life seem so fleeting and insignificant. It's like a little revolt of the individual saying, "Hey look, I went through this, this happened, I was there..." even if it's meaningless to everyone else. People want their lives to always be full of meaning I suppose. There is nothing wrong with this.

what happened to the time

there was this moment when i just paused and reflected about the time and place i was in. i had the realization that i would never be in that time, not necessarily that instance, but just that night in that place ever again.   i felt sad, it sucked knowing that it would slip away from me. 

in one of these moments, getting ready to go out to a party with my friends from our dorms, hearing that same music from 2005 playing on in the hall bathroom, the crappy beer, the inside jokes, being around those same friends, and looking the way i did..it occurred that this would never be again.  damn it.

i comforted myself knowing that i still had that night, and there would plenty of other nights with a very similar air. but i still think back on that time, and i am rushed with emotion as i think about all of the details of where i was and what was happening.  in moments when i felt like this, i relaxed and focused on taking everything in and enjoying it, i missed nothing. and still, it isn't satisfying to know that i tried to take nothing for granted. it still feels unfair that i won't have that time back again.

yet i guess this practice makes me feel like time will go more slowly, which will give me more time to enjoy it. but then i think, ultimately it's in the past, who cares right?  we've all had "good ol days", and i know i have plenty to look forward to in my life. but why does it hurt and feel like a loss?