what's all this then?

i keep seeing visions of places i've been. the visions aren't of any particular event, but just an ordinary sight that i would experience every day that i was at that place. like a highway intersection in another state, or the setting of some tables and chairs i sat in by the ocean. what's all this then?

it's strange how i'm reminded of these images without any reference or source. they just......pop into my head! i like how whatever vision i see is of no significance either. nothing special happened in those places, i didn't meet or speak to anyone. i was just there.

strange indeed, but it makes sense to me.

you don't truly see how a place affects you until you have left it i think.

i'd like to think that i am seeing those places in my head because something interesting is happening there right in that very moment....

hockey

things always get better, and we always hope they will, otherwise why would we even keep going hah?!

you know you haven't had a good laugh in a while when you laugh at something really, really dumb. whatever it was might have been a little silly, but you end up rolling on the floor laughing so hard.....it's like you're releasing your stress, and making up for the past couple of weeks that you didn't laugh, all at once.

so i'm playing hockey on the playstation3 with my roomate, and the commentator for the game said the line:

"....he took a good, long dump into the offensive end...."

haha, it still makes me laugh. basically the player lightly threw (dumped) the puck into the opposing team's (offensive) side of the ice.

yeah i'm a dork, what?

well, shit

bad. bad bad bad.  i just worked on a project that was supposed to last a good many weeks, thus giving me more money that i badly needed, but it rained a lot and it couldn't get done. the project was down by the gulf of mexico, so it was an expensive, bitch of a drive, whilst staying in a hotel for weeks...ughh.  once we realized the project was not possible to continue, my co-workers and i decided to head back home to dallas. 


my car wouldn't start. i couldn't believe my luck, i'm down here in the southern edge of texas, far from home or anyone i know, and i can't start my car. i don't even know why it's not working, i checked everything i knew.  anyways, the situation was resolved by having my car towed 3 hours to houston to have it fixed. so ultimately, the money that i did make from the project i had now just spent on gas and having my car fixed.


damn it. i'm so angry right now, why the hell does this shit have to happen now. i still want to go to grad school, but i can't go now unless the school offers me an assistantship, balls.  i need to get higher GRE scores.  why does that stupid test give me such a hard time?  for now i've just got to work, which is fine, i just can't find enough projects in my field around where i live.  it's too expensive now to pack up and leave.  i'm determined to get an office job working as a robot for some sales/business/marketing position here in the dallas/ft worth area. it's the only way out.  heavens i never thought i'd say something like that, ever.



i can't even feed myself. the work i've been doing is too incosistent. and i have student loans, rent, and bills to pay for. what the fuck, i know things almost never go as planned, but i have a degree, great grades, and lots of work experience and i have nothing to show for it but a 41 thousand dollar loan bill to pay off. i can't even buy food!  thank goodness for credit cards or i would probably have blown away in the wind!  on the other hand, i'm digging myself into another hole with debt. shit.



it's to the point where it's more important to have shelter and food in me than it is for me to focus so much on my dreams.  sometimes they just aren't reachable for a while, i can accept that, but i'm angry. now today my passport got mailed back to me.....my old one that is. the state department my money anyway, and told me that they can't process it because i have a stolen/lost investigation on an older one. i have to start from scratch and buy another. and i need one for grad school applications abroad and work projects. thanks for screwing me over again department of state. it wasn't enough that you lost my last passport in the mail and made me buy another one that was temporary. fuck you.  i've had to buy 3 passports and pay to expedite two of them.



my student loan payment didn't go through, it's now 12 days overdue. they told me that it would take a while for the payment to process because it's coming from this particular conservation agency, and now the bank and the loan agency say that they didn't receive the money either, and yet the money is gone. well where the fuck did it go? i submitted it well before the due date....3 weeks later they still don't know where it is. it's out of my hands, why should i have to be the middle man between a loan agency that wants my money anyway, and a bank that i have done a service for? damn you both. i've been on the phone with representatives for both sides for 4 hours today. they both just blame it on the other and say they didn't do this or that. so i find myself arguing for them...all i want is for my loan payments to go through, i earned the money i paid the payment. what else do they want me to do?

i have no food damn it. i just want to get some lame ass job at this point and do whatever it is they need me to do. because it isn't right for me to be in financial trouble like this when all i've done is work my ass off in college and work since finishing high school.


man i thought writing all of this would make me feel better but it doesn't.  perhaps an angry nap?

where did the time go?

things have got to get better for me. things aren't bad, it's just every day i'm reminded of the past and how fun it was.....how happy i was. things have got to get better right? there must be good days, just as beautiful and memorable as they were in the past. there's got to be memories to be made that will at least match the old ones.

good bye 2007

Well there goes another year, *waves. What happened?  Well I'll tell you what happened....

I started off the year courting a lady.  By the first week, a girlfriend for the first time in 3 years. My single streak was over.  And like the asshole that I am I dumped her after about 6 months.  She was a good girl, with a good heart, just not for me, and I not for her.
 

Before I knew it I had graduated and left my best friends behind in Missouri, and headed off to my adventure in the the Colorado rockies to work.

I still don't know what to make of it, but I did realize so much about who I am and how I constantly take risks and need my friends and family. Here's some of my favourite pictures I took there though...

That was most of my year actually, since then I've been living back in Texas with my best friend from high school doing archaeological work as a field technician, a few weeks of work in some random state of America, a few weeks off at home in Texas. It's not my ideal work, but at least it's in my area of interest. Now I'm just working on getting my graduate school applications in.

I've made the year exciting, but when I look back at it, it was pretty rough for me physically and mentally.  And strange as well.  Just sort of finding myself I guess.  The thing that makes it so worthwhile though is that I can confidently look back and see how much I've grown as a human being. The experiences just build you know?  The most roller-coaster of a year I've ever had for sure.

i hate leaving home

I really hate leaving home, like, my house where I grew up and where my mom and dad live. It doesn't make any sense either because I go home and leave constantly. I figured I would get used to it, and I'm 22 years old now damn it! Hell, I went to school for 4 years in another state, and I'm still not over home. It's not like I get homesick really either, I mean, I have times where I miss home, but I never let it hold me back from traveling as often as I do. I guess I know why I love home so much, but it doesn't seem right for me to get depressed half the time I leave. Do you miss home?

oh and by the way, Merry Christmas!

I'm all about quality time with my lady

Not that I have a lady right now, and whether that's a good thing or not is debatable...

but,

Complete set of results

Quality Time: 10
Acts of Service: 6
Physical Touch: 6
Words of Affirmation: 6
Receiving Gifts: 1

This fits well I think, but after all I did answer the questions, it's not like it read my mind... so it should fit me. I'd also like to think that ideally, the girl I'm seeing would prefer these same characteristics in the relationship. That way it would be easier to reciprocate!

Here's the Quiz