awaken

This is a portrait of me that I had painted around 1807. Of course, in those days I had always dressed properly, and portraits were done by an artist with a brush, not a silly lense. Anyhow...

My damn i-pod headphones broke again. What the hell is wrong with apple that they cannot manufacture a descent pair of headphones when they make the most reliable, popular set of mp3 players in the world. This is my 4th pair of headphones, now I have to buy a 5th-I'm definately considering buying some other brand, but I like these white i-pod ones for some reason. This means going to e-bay and ordering another, and then waiting for them. Wow, if that is all I have to complain about, things must be kickin ass!

Another awakening retreat, another awesome time. I used to go to mass, not for weak reasons, but mainly because I felt I owed God, and I should because it's the right thing to do as a Catholic Christian. I still go for these reasons, but now I really really love going. I love the community of friends and family, I feel warm as I worship and rejoice for God's love, and I think my relationship with God is getting stronger. I can't put into words how it makes me feel, it's almost like being on a drug hah!

As for the retreats, it's unique to have the opportunity to talk with educated people who have more or less the same ideals and morals as you. Instead of being at school and living in what I think is a fairly secular/diverse America, where people differ, judge, and sometimes even insult you for your thoughts, reasoning, and philosophy, there are people that will listen and perhaps agree with you on theological/faith ideas. Futhermore, being with people my age, who like to goof off and act immature at times just like me, who share the same goals of support, love, and closeness to God, is purely a dream. To see these people spending their time helping others and at the same time enriching their spirits for their faith is absolutely beautiful. I am just so blessed that it breaks my heart....

more...

more scary dreams. i kinda like them, not when they are occuring, but it's the thrill of fear that's pretty cool afterwards. they are so vivid! you know how you forget dreams a few hours after they happen? well, these dreams stick.
a recent one was that i dreamt i was lying in bed facing the wall. suddenly the wall to my back started moving toward me, i couldn't see it because i wasn't facing it, but i could feel it pushing closer, until the bed and blankets started closing in on me tighter and tighter. i was still lying on my side facing the opposite wall. but behind me everything was slowly starting to envelope over my back and legs. it wasn't uncomfortable at first, but the pressure was gradually becoming stronger. i started to hear a groaning sound, then it felt like a body of something was moving over my back and side...something much bigger than me.

i can't describe but that i felt pure terror.  i thought i was going to die and i couldn't move, it swore that someone or something else was in the room with me, just beyond the edge of my peripheral vision.

i woke up, lying on my side facing the wall in the exact same position. the wall and bed starting pushing over me again, the groaning started, more like a low grumble or roar. lord the fear. it felt more like something alive was touching me this time, crushing me with its mass, i couldn't move i was so afraid. i kept wondering how this was happening because i thought i woke up. i could still see the wall in front of me and i looked at nothing else, i think i was too scared to look up or behind me. i could see out of the corner of my eye that whatever it was behind me was dark. i remember thinking to myself i had to wake up fast or i would die or something. but it was like the the thing moving over me was moving so slowly it wasn't actually gaining any distance. the groaning continued and i finally woke up.......laying on my side, facing the wall.

that grumbling noise is still in my head. def one of the scariest sounds i've ever heard.

hell

So I saw hell in a dream the other night, well, maybe it wasn't hell. It didn't look like this, but I think it's interesting that humans try to depict an idea of what it would look like. We can describe it, what the atmosphere is like, who is there, the pain, the fear.

I just had a dream I was going through this tunnel or hole or something, and I was moving through it faster and faster, there was fire on all sides. Creatures, maybe demons or something lashing out at me as I moved. I was going through the tunnel with hundreds of other people and body parts; limbs, heads, etc.  It's like everything was gravitating down through this tunnel, like something was pulling us to an end, but the feeling was that the transit would never end, it was just going to keep me anticipating something, but meanwhile bothered by fear and uncomfortableness.



I kept urging myself to wake up but I couldn't. I was scared but a part of me wanted to continue through and see what would happen. Would I fall forever? I eventually woke up but never saw the end. Yikes.

worress

God grant me the strength, to accept the things that i cannot change. i worry too much. so much to the point where i think it actually makes me ill.



so about girls....

i've been very careful the past 3 years being single to not get to close to one in particular. the bar was kind of set with the previous relationship, and though i dumped her i'm afraid of hurting myself and or someone else again.  i've been trying to be as friendly as possible for a long while until i'm very sure i am seriously interested in them.  plenty have liked me, often it's more than i would like them to so early on, so i end up letting them off, well perhaps that's just after leading them on. i'm picky, i think everyone should be, and so far there has been always something(s) i discover that is non-compatable with every girl i start seeing. i see the issue and wonder if perhaps they don't, or overlook it.  then, i lose interest, and they do not ever seem to understand that i'm not wanting to take things further. i've become disgustingly good at handling the scenario actually, and so i continue to cruise along smoothly. 

during a church retreat of all things, i met one that stopped me like, oh lets say a speed bump.  so i tripped over it/her, and things were going really well i think for the both of us at first, we had so many core things in common.  it seemed as though we wanted the same things, i really couldn't see anything wrong with her, and that's something that i've never seen before.  she impressed me like no one had before.  right now, it actually hurts a little that we aren't seeing each other anymore. the thing is, i spoke up first and decided that we should create some space. i think it's what she wanted though as well, and that's what hurt.  i'm not sure if it would have worked, i got so scared of getting too deep, that i was willing to sacrifice something i really appreciated.  after all, i graduate and move off to grad school or work in 5 months or so. i've moved off away from someone before and it's beyond difficult.  it's just a good thing we got out of it before either of us got hurt i suppose. i'm impressed with myself with how easy it was for me to shake off any emotion.  i don't know if that's good or bad actually.


but i've been thinking, if something is that good, and it's right there in front of you....why not take it? what is really stopping you? why worry about the future so much? the experiences that you make right now in these situations can be wonderful, and even if things don't work out in the end, i've come to the conclusion that it's worth the risk. life is beautiful and infinite in possibilities fool!



all i know is, right now i'm growing weary of being solo.  i want someone who i can talk about anything with, share new experiences and ideas, sleep with at night, dream about, argue with, kiss, have sex, laugh with, support...you know, the mushy stuff.  once you've been there and had those things before, you miss them at some point. some of these things can happen while dating, but it's not consistent, and living in that dating-scene for as long as i have makes me feel like all of those elements have lost their authenticity.

omgarsh

wow, i really think i'm losing my mind. *shakes head. nope, still losing it. damn i need to quit drinking.

Welcome!

In Oman.
The people here are extremely kind and welcoming. Everyone greets us with "Hello! How are you?" Which is kind of funny because more often than not that's the only English they would know!  So, when you try to reply and ask 'how are you?' back to them they look at you confusedly. Everyone smiles at me and I get treated like I'm a celebrity, the girls giggle and wink like I'm someone famous. I'm not going to lie that's pretty cool.....

One observation however has caught my attention, and that is the inequality of ethnic groups. Sure, there are class differences everywhere, even back in the US gasp!  But nothing like what I am witnessing here where it appears to be Arabs over Indians, Africans, Pakistanis, and Bengalis. Many of the people I am meeting, usually Arabs can be lazy, arrogant, and impatient with non-whites or Arabs. Some are just downright snobs. Not all of the Arabs are like this, probably not even half are, but many seem to have this superiority attitude.  The privileged stay up all night smoking and drinking, and then sleep until the afternoon and they expect everything to be served up to them in seconds.  The foreign workers carry their heads low and work in fear of losing their job or offending anyone.  I see the Arabs and their families play and litter the public scene, while the Indians follow them around picking up their trash and waiting on them hand and foot in designated jump-suits.  All of the Asian workers have to wear uniforms, and when not at a task, I find them standing behind doors and in corners....out of sight really. Always staring at their feet and keeping their hands behind their backs like servants, it's disgusting. One of the managers of our excavation workers was arguing the other day with an Arab, trying to explain how his people don't know how to serve the Arab because they are afraid to screw up. The inequality of the people here makes the Mexican-work-immigrant issue back home look petty.

That picture is of me and my unit workers, they were all from Bangaladesh. But these guys busted their asses all day in the sun and would end up with about $10 for the whole day. 6am to 4pm.  The first month they didn't even get paid, and yet after a mild complaint, went right back to work because they had no other choice.  A Mexican worker can make that in 2 hours on only minimum wage. And these guys get sent back to their countries once work is finished, they have no job security and may only work when they are needed.  They live in barracks of about 10-12 men per 500 square feet.  They always have smiles on their faces and positive attitudes.  It really makes me angry how they are treated.  How unfair it is. I can't imagine being in their place, I wonder what kind of things they've seen. Do they have families? What are their goals and dreams?

First bit

Okay. Okay. Okay. Good. Okay. Okay. -I said that at least 150 times today plotting points from a $40,000 tripod today as we began excavations. I volunteered to do topographical survey of the site and as a result the word 'okay' has lost it's meaning as I told the guy with the reflector pole it was 'okay' to move to the next point and plot the elevation. But it had to be done to put the archaeological site into the computer, plus it was good experience for me.
But any who, here I am now in Oman. I've been here a week....and to be honest I don't feel like I'm on the other side of the world. Home seems near. But Nope. It's not. It's far. 18 hours on a plane away to be exact.
The environment is deffinitely different. Not what anyone expects the Middle East, coconut and banana trees, white sandy beaches, blue water with dolphins, mountains with green vegetation. But, there are some not-so-surprising things; the dress of the people in one-color robes (dish-dashas), completely spotless and bright I might add, women's faces and heads covered with hijabs, turbans, camels, abundance of cell phones, sand, heat, language that sounds alien, and countless mosques.
One thing that constantly reminds me of where I am is the eerie but magnificent sound of the salat (prayer) call--5 times a day. The echo of the muezzin carries and bounces from mosque to mosque and hushes out any and every noise in the city. Each mosque calls in rythm and their voices are quite moving. In Salalah, whole city appears to go quiet, and all you can hear is the waves breaking on the beach and the muezzin's voice. The scenery is breathtaking from the 3rd floor roof of our villa, so I run up there to listen to the call because it makes the hair on my neck stand up.



Oman is so extremely diverse in landscape. About 120km to the North of where I am there are endless sand dunes and the famous Empty Quarter where the national boundaries are arbitrary.  Halfway that far north are Mountains and cliff faces worn from ancient seas, and humongous, canyon-esque wadiis from long-gone running rivers.  To the south is the Arabian Sea and the endless waves of the Indian Ocean that roll into no other landmass until Antartica. The beach is like 50m from my room!

Some other observations are that everyone speaks relatively good English, and this is by far the cleanest environment I have ever seen. There is no trash anywhere and all public buildings are well kept...I wonder how they manage this?