rawr

As a guy, it always feels like that when I have a girlfriend, the opportunities for encounters with other women sky-rocket.  Girls seem to just fall in my lap, and the temptation is almost unbearable.  Whether its a date, a hookup, or even a girl that is genuinely attractive enough in mind and body that it makes me question the relationship I have...the grass always seems greener.  

Not long ago I was hit on by a possible cougar.  I say possible cougar, but more likely she was just 5-10 years older than me.  She was gorgeous.  My buddy and I were at the bar downtown watching the Mav's game when her and her friend came in and ordered drinks next to us.  I noticed that she was attractive, but I tried to avoid the temptation of flirting by ignoring her and watching the game and chatting with my friend.  The woman and her friend kept trying to talk to us, and our indifference and lack of attention only made her more interested.  

She looked to be in her early 30s.  There is something about a woman around that age that is a clear separation from being a girl.  Eventually she gave me a firm nudge to get my attention back, and talked to me about how she was in town for some modeling work.  I smirked at first and thought to myself "yeah right", but after more observation I started believed it.  A few drinks later and she had grabbed my ass, it became very clear that she wanted me.  

There is this point I think, most girls and guys who have had one night stands before, for better or worse, recognize it.  This point may be instinctive, but you and her both realize where the situation is heading, and nothing needs to even be said, you just know.  Fear started to grow inside me, she wanted me to go home with her, and her aggressiveness and dominant personally made her more attractive than I could handle.  I wanted her, and that's what scared me.  I have a girlfriend, she is wonderful.  But I became afraid that the temptation and excitement of sleeping with this woman would be something I might play out.  I was scared at the fact that it was so easy to make this happen.  My strategy of trying to be disinterested only brought her closer and made her more playful and aggressive, she kept her body directly in front of me, her face a foot from mine.

I have a good conscience, I've never cheated before, and the scenarios to do so have always been avoided by that part of my mind.  It has proven to not allow me to do such a thing in the past, because being a male sure as hell doesn't agree with it.  So, I quickly convinced my friend to go to another bar, escape seemed the only defense I had from her.  Her disappointment in my leaving even made me feel rejected as well.  I felt defeated and stupid for turning the situation down, even if my conscience knew I was doing the right thing.  Her and her friend asked what bar we were headed to, and we told them, it was a good walk away and not a usual place for 30 somethings.  Perhaps 10 minutes after my friend and I arrived, she came in the door with her friend looking for me.

run

Doing my run today and noticed I am wearing Puma shoes, Nike shorts, Under Armor shirt, and an Adidas track jacket.  For Pete's sake Ryan pick a brand.  

I used to be awesome at running distance in High School, I made varsity my freshman year and kept at it until I graduated, but I haven't run anything like that since then...so like 6 years ago.  So 3 times a week, I run a 2 mile route, for the last 4 weeks.  So far so good, my time has steadily decreased every day, and judging from my cross-country days I should ideally get somewhere around 13:00 minutes.

This past year in Jerash Jordan, posing on the Roman colonade.

Good luck, Ryan.  Thanks, Ryan.  I'll be alright.

chaaaaaaaange?

Things really haven't slowed down throughout the Middle East and North Africa; Egyptians are still protesting for better pay/benefits with their jobs, Libya is nearing civil war and presenting precarious questions for the West, Yemen and Bahrain are experiencing harsh, violent crackdowns on their protests...and with all of this the Arab League is showing the world that it is still not capable of leading/coordinating efforts of stability in the region.

I was suspicious that the Egyptian events would be contagious, and I think it is for the best that they have inspired other nations to demand reform.  As we have talked about in class, many of these administrations are outdated, oppressive, and undemocratic.  Our government is far from perfect, but it cannot be denied that it holds many ideals desired by these nation's populaces.

3/2

I think Libya might be on the verge of civil war.  I was hoping the protesters would have been able to force al-Qadhafi out by now, but now it looks like a back and forth conflict.  The longer the conflict goes on, the more angry and entrenched both sides become, and even if eventually al-Qadhafi leaves, the deaths and violence won't likely be forgotten overnight.  I hope it doesn't continue in this direction, because events like this in the past have led to certain countries backing particular sides, which has usually devastated the country in question, and caused the damaging of relations between nations trying to 'patch things up'.  Sigh.

This is a strange case in the wake of these Arab revolts and protests, but the whole world is watching, and nearly all of the world's governments are invested in the outcomes, whether financially, politically, or diplomatically.  Sigh.

I should be working on my Master's paper, but I'm not even interested in it anymore.  I'll get it done.  

I ran 2 miles Monday in 14 min 28 sec.  I haven't ran distance since high school, so not bad for only day two on the 2 mile.  My goal is to get it down to like 13 min by mid April.  I'll make it happen.

Why is it when you are in a relationship that you suddenly find yourself opportune with potential dates and hook-ups...girls that you used to be interested in feel now feel it is appropriate to show interest and it hurts...in my pants.

22

When I was in jr. high, maybe 10 or so, we got to watch the High School kids play baseball because the field bordered our playground.  I remember those of us boys who liked baseball would run up to the outfield fence and watch the games in the afternoons.  

The high school guys looked like giants.  They didn't have the cheap t-shirt jerseys and snap-on caps we had in our little league games.  They wore real jerseys and bright stainless pants with stitched on logos and numbers, fitted caps and gloves big enough to hold our heads.  I wanted to be one of those guys someday, they were something to aspire to for some silly reason.  

I remember there was speedy outfielder with the number 22 stitched on his back, and he was always there every game running down fly-balls and stealing bases.  I wanted to be number 22 because I thought I could be like him, and I already had enough baseball-superstition in my heart to think that if I was number 22 I could play like him.

I wore the number 22 in every sport from then on, and eventually being caught up with the drama of the teenage years, I forgot how I dreamed one day of playing baseball in high school.  I only came to to the realization about 6 years later.  While warming up with my teammates for a game, I saw a bunch of kids lined up at the outfield wall.  Their hands and faces pressing up against the fence just staring at us like we were someone important.  I realized how things had changed, how I used to be like them, marveling at us.  

Us players on the field were only kids too, we had our own problems, worries, fears, and in turn were in awe of the college boys and professional athletes we tried to imitate.  But I felt good, I was happy to understand that I had a goal and matched it, without ever even noticing.

alarm

I woke up the other morning to my girlfriend's alarm tone from her phone so she would remember to wake early (naturally).  I stretched and rolled back over after handing her the phone to fall back asleep after she got up and left.  But I began to remember the alarm tones from other girls, and how familiar they were.  It's weird, they are still so familiar.  Those little tunes and songs that they wanted to wake up to were unique, just like they were...just like the relationship we had between each other.

The feeling I had after recalling this wasn't good, but it wasn't bad either, I just felt kind of confused.  I shared a bed with these girls, we were intimate, and we fell asleep together.  They liked me, some loved me, and were willing to share their most vulnerable moments of their day with me.  It's humbling.  I wonder where the time went, where those young women went, and ultimately where those feelings went.

The Creed

*I am going to use the word 'feel' more than once by a bunch.

I've been really good about attending mass lately.  It's good because I've been going because I feel like I need it, not because I feel like I have to.  I must admit since leaving home, where I went to mass with my family every Sunday because I was supposed to, I have felt this on and off urge to be in the church, to say the prayers, to be around other people of my faith.  

Maybe it is because I am on my own that I feel that urge to go.  I feel this emptiness...this loneliness sometimes that I think I can only fill by going to mass.  It has been years now since that began, but I still feel it.  I believe in God with all of my heart, and it may sound stupid to some, but I have faith that He helps me.  He doesn't give me successes or failures, but I truly believe that He is present, and He loves me.  I guess I'd have to say that He doesn't make me feel as lonely as I would without Him.  

Some would explain that I am following some figment, and I have psychologically conditioned myself into feeling that I need something to believe in.  But I just don't care.  It feels right.  And I'm not the only one who believes in Him either, and that's comforting.