Colorado

Well, I'm in Colorado now working for the government. It's nothing that special, it's actually the USDA Forest Service, no FBI or anything. That doesn't mean it isn't interesting, but at least it deals with my niche of archaeology. The government definately has different methods in handling field work and data, I'm going to have to get used to it as I will be working with them until mid-Fall. To be honest, I don't think they evaluate data or sites as much as they should, and being that the work of archaeology is destructive, I think they might as well work on their research as much as possible and evaluate the data in the field to the max.

That's all I have for now, except that I am extremely lonely up here. They moved me into an RV in the mountains, it's gorgeous, but I have no one to share it with. I have no contacts or friends up here, and I don't exactly work with people within my generation. I don't even get cell-phone service up here. In a way it's a good challenge for me being isolated, but that doesn't mean I like it. In fact it just reminds me of how much I miss my friends at my alma mater - Missouri State, and at home in Texas......sooooo depressing. It's going to be a long haul for sure, but I know I can make it.

Ryan over and out....

he was...

I don't know if you guys have seen an undesguised angel before but.....let me tell you.....they are horrifying. So the two angels God sent down were fortunate enough to meet this gatekeeper named Ryan. He was an exciteable, happy lil dude, who capered and sang..... And strange enough, he didn't want to do them or anything like that. All he wanted was, to feed them kosher treats....and whatever goes with that. He also gave them footbaths, and everything else that God was really into back then.

I'm so careless, it's just like....I'm going through the motions. It feels like I'm not giving my best. I'm so worried about this summer.

mortem

Death.

I'm ready for it. I don't mean this in a weak, self-centered, depressed, or even suicidal way. Rather, I mean that I am simply satisfied with my life. Don't worry it's not like I want to die. (creepy)

I have goals and ambitions, things that I want to learn, people I want to meet.......but I feel that I have fulfilled enough already that if the world were to end, or I was to get mauled to death by pigeons, I'd be like "bummer, alright so be it"

But I'm ready for it. I have enough faith in God and the afterlife that it makes me feel unafraid of death. I feel that I have realized the beauty of this world and its inhabitants. I can't even put into words the awe I have for the behavior of mankind. Indeed, people can be ugly too, but I think God wants me to look past that.

The experiences that I have had, the times shared with others, the love felt, the love lost, the family, the friends, the passions, the sadness, the anger, the joy, etc. --- in my 21 years of being, have been wonderful and I regret nothing.

Everyone and everything is so beautiful, and it's that beauty, that magnificence, that makes me feel content. It's so overwhelming that I feel like I'm always missing out on things in this world and at the same time appreciating all of it.

Stanley

Stanley Cup playoffs are finally here and tonight, my beloved Dallas Stars go to Vancouver to play the evil, diseased Canucks. Actually I've always kind of likes the 'Nucks. Anywho, whilst I'm supposed to be studying for my History of the English Language class, I'm going to be screaming and hollaring at the T.V.

As for life, it's cruising along like it should be. Full of stress, but this is nothing new, I'm still having horrifying dreams every night, but I they happen so much I think I'm starting to like them. It's like a thriller movie or something. God would be a good psychologist, if I could just get to him and ask him what in the world is going on.

awaken

This is a portrait of me that I had painted around 1807. Of course, in those days I had always dressed properly, and portraits were done by an artist with a brush, not a silly lense. Anyhow...

My damn i-pod headphones broke again. What the hell is wrong with apple that they cannot manufacture a descent pair of headphones when they make the most reliable, popular set of mp3 players in the world. This is my 4th pair of headphones, now I have to buy a 5th-I'm definately considering buying some other brand, but I like these white i-pod ones for some reason. This means going to e-bay and ordering another, and then waiting for them. Wow, if that is all I have to complain about, things must be kickin ass!

Another awakening retreat, another awesome time. I used to go to mass, not for weak reasons, but mainly because I felt I owed God, and I should because it's the right thing to do as a Catholic Christian. I still go for these reasons, but now I really really love going. I love the community of friends and family, I feel warm as I worship and rejoice for God's love, and I think my relationship with God is getting stronger. I can't put into words how it makes me feel, it's almost like being on a drug hah!

As for the retreats, it's unique to have the opportunity to talk with educated people who have more or less the same ideals and morals as you. Instead of being at school and living in what I think is a fairly secular/diverse America, where people differ, judge, and sometimes even insult you for your thoughts, reasoning, and philosophy, there are people that will listen and perhaps agree with you on theological/faith ideas. Futhermore, being with people my age, who like to goof off and act immature at times just like me, who share the same goals of support, love, and closeness to God, is purely a dream. To see these people spending their time helping others and at the same time enriching their spirits for their faith is absolutely beautiful. I am just so blessed that it breaks my heart....

more...

more scary dreams. i kinda like them, not when they are occuring, but it's the thrill of fear that's pretty cool afterwards. they are so vivid! you know how you forget dreams a few hours after they happen? well, these dreams stick.
a recent one was that i dreamt i was lying in bed facing the wall. suddenly the wall to my back started moving toward me, i couldn't see it because i wasn't facing it, but i could feel it pushing closer, until the bed and blankets started closing in on me tighter and tighter. i was still lying on my side facing the opposite wall. but behind me everything was slowly starting to envelope over my back and legs. it wasn't uncomfortable at first, but the pressure was gradually becoming stronger. i started to hear a groaning sound, then it felt like a body of something was moving over my back and side...something much bigger than me.

i can't describe but that i felt pure terror.  i thought i was going to die and i couldn't move, it swore that someone or something else was in the room with me, just beyond the edge of my peripheral vision.

i woke up, lying on my side facing the wall in the exact same position. the wall and bed starting pushing over me again, the groaning started, more like a low grumble or roar. lord the fear. it felt more like something alive was touching me this time, crushing me with its mass, i couldn't move i was so afraid. i kept wondering how this was happening because i thought i woke up. i could still see the wall in front of me and i looked at nothing else, i think i was too scared to look up or behind me. i could see out of the corner of my eye that whatever it was behind me was dark. i remember thinking to myself i had to wake up fast or i would die or something. but it was like the the thing moving over me was moving so slowly it wasn't actually gaining any distance. the groaning continued and i finally woke up.......laying on my side, facing the wall.

that grumbling noise is still in my head. def one of the scariest sounds i've ever heard.

hell

So I saw hell in a dream the other night, well, maybe it wasn't hell. It didn't look like this, but I think it's interesting that humans try to depict an idea of what it would look like. We can describe it, what the atmosphere is like, who is there, the pain, the fear.

I just had a dream I was going through this tunnel or hole or something, and I was moving through it faster and faster, there was fire on all sides. Creatures, maybe demons or something lashing out at me as I moved. I was going through the tunnel with hundreds of other people and body parts; limbs, heads, etc.  It's like everything was gravitating down through this tunnel, like something was pulling us to an end, but the feeling was that the transit would never end, it was just going to keep me anticipating something, but meanwhile bothered by fear and uncomfortableness.



I kept urging myself to wake up but I couldn't. I was scared but a part of me wanted to continue through and see what would happen. Would I fall forever? I eventually woke up but never saw the end. Yikes.