he was...

I don't know if you guys have seen an undesguised angel before but.....let me tell you.....they are horrifying. So the two angels God sent down were fortunate enough to meet this gatekeeper named Ryan. He was an exciteable, happy lil dude, who capered and sang..... And strange enough, he didn't want to do them or anything like that. All he wanted was, to feed them kosher treats....and whatever goes with that. He also gave them footbaths, and everything else that God was really into back then.

I'm so careless, it's just like....I'm going through the motions. It feels like I'm not giving my best. I'm so worried about this summer.

mortem

Death.

I'm ready for it. I don't mean this in a weak, self-centered, depressed, or even suicidal way. Rather, I mean that I am simply satisfied with my life. Don't worry it's not like I want to die. (creepy)

I have goals and ambitions, things that I want to learn, people I want to meet.......but I feel that I have fulfilled enough already that if the world were to end, or I was to get mauled to death by pigeons, I'd be like "bummer, alright so be it"

But I'm ready for it. I have enough faith in God and the afterlife that it makes me feel unafraid of death. I feel that I have realized the beauty of this world and its inhabitants. I can't even put into words the awe I have for the behavior of mankind. Indeed, people can be ugly too, but I think God wants me to look past that.

The experiences that I have had, the times shared with others, the love felt, the love lost, the family, the friends, the passions, the sadness, the anger, the joy, etc. --- in my 21 years of being, have been wonderful and I regret nothing.

Everyone and everything is so beautiful, and it's that beauty, that magnificence, that makes me feel content. It's so overwhelming that I feel like I'm always missing out on things in this world and at the same time appreciating all of it.

Stanley

Stanley Cup playoffs are finally here and tonight, my beloved Dallas Stars go to Vancouver to play the evil, diseased Canucks. Actually I've always kind of likes the 'Nucks. Anywho, whilst I'm supposed to be studying for my History of the English Language class, I'm going to be screaming and hollaring at the T.V.

As for life, it's cruising along like it should be. Full of stress, but this is nothing new, I'm still having horrifying dreams every night, but I they happen so much I think I'm starting to like them. It's like a thriller movie or something. God would be a good psychologist, if I could just get to him and ask him what in the world is going on.

awaken

This is a portrait of me that I had painted around 1807. Of course, in those days I had always dressed properly, and portraits were done by an artist with a brush, not a silly lense. Anyhow...

My damn i-pod headphones broke again. What the hell is wrong with apple that they cannot manufacture a descent pair of headphones when they make the most reliable, popular set of mp3 players in the world. This is my 4th pair of headphones, now I have to buy a 5th-I'm definately considering buying some other brand, but I like these white i-pod ones for some reason. This means going to e-bay and ordering another, and then waiting for them. Wow, if that is all I have to complain about, things must be kickin ass!

Another awakening retreat, another awesome time. I used to go to mass, not for weak reasons, but mainly because I felt I owed God, and I should because it's the right thing to do as a Catholic Christian. I still go for these reasons, but now I really really love going. I love the community of friends and family, I feel warm as I worship and rejoice for God's love, and I think my relationship with God is getting stronger. I can't put into words how it makes me feel, it's almost like being on a drug hah!

As for the retreats, it's unique to have the opportunity to talk with educated people who have more or less the same ideals and morals as you. Instead of being at school and living in what I think is a fairly secular/diverse America, where people differ, judge, and sometimes even insult you for your thoughts, reasoning, and philosophy, there are people that will listen and perhaps agree with you on theological/faith ideas. Futhermore, being with people my age, who like to goof off and act immature at times just like me, who share the same goals of support, love, and closeness to God, is purely a dream. To see these people spending their time helping others and at the same time enriching their spirits for their faith is absolutely beautiful. I am just so blessed that it breaks my heart....

more...

more scary dreams. i kinda like them, not when they are occuring, but it's the thrill of fear that's pretty cool afterwards. they are so vivid! you know how you forget dreams a few hours after they happen? well, these dreams stick.
a recent one was that i dreamt i was lying in bed facing the wall. suddenly the wall to my back started moving toward me, i couldn't see it because i wasn't facing it, but i could feel it pushing closer, until the bed and blankets started closing in on me tighter and tighter. i was still lying on my side facing the opposite wall. but behind me everything was slowly starting to envelope over my back and legs. it wasn't uncomfortable at first, but the pressure was gradually becoming stronger. i started to hear a groaning sound, then it felt like a body of something was moving over my back and side...something much bigger than me.

i can't describe but that i felt pure terror.  i thought i was going to die and i couldn't move, it swore that someone or something else was in the room with me, just beyond the edge of my peripheral vision.

i woke up, lying on my side facing the wall in the exact same position. the wall and bed starting pushing over me again, the groaning started, more like a low grumble or roar. lord the fear. it felt more like something alive was touching me this time, crushing me with its mass, i couldn't move i was so afraid. i kept wondering how this was happening because i thought i woke up. i could still see the wall in front of me and i looked at nothing else, i think i was too scared to look up or behind me. i could see out of the corner of my eye that whatever it was behind me was dark. i remember thinking to myself i had to wake up fast or i would die or something. but it was like the the thing moving over me was moving so slowly it wasn't actually gaining any distance. the groaning continued and i finally woke up.......laying on my side, facing the wall.

that grumbling noise is still in my head. def one of the scariest sounds i've ever heard.

hell

So I saw hell in a dream the other night, well, maybe it wasn't hell. It didn't look like this, but I think it's interesting that humans try to depict an idea of what it would look like. We can describe it, what the atmosphere is like, who is there, the pain, the fear.

I just had a dream I was going through this tunnel or hole or something, and I was moving through it faster and faster, there was fire on all sides. Creatures, maybe demons or something lashing out at me as I moved. I was going through the tunnel with hundreds of other people and body parts; limbs, heads, etc.  It's like everything was gravitating down through this tunnel, like something was pulling us to an end, but the feeling was that the transit would never end, it was just going to keep me anticipating something, but meanwhile bothered by fear and uncomfortableness.



I kept urging myself to wake up but I couldn't. I was scared but a part of me wanted to continue through and see what would happen. Would I fall forever? I eventually woke up but never saw the end. Yikes.

worress

God grant me the strength, to accept the things that i cannot change. i worry too much. so much to the point where i think it actually makes me ill.



so about girls....

i've been very careful the past 3 years being single to not get to close to one in particular. the bar was kind of set with the previous relationship, and though i dumped her i'm afraid of hurting myself and or someone else again.  i've been trying to be as friendly as possible for a long while until i'm very sure i am seriously interested in them.  plenty have liked me, often it's more than i would like them to so early on, so i end up letting them off, well perhaps that's just after leading them on. i'm picky, i think everyone should be, and so far there has been always something(s) i discover that is non-compatable with every girl i start seeing. i see the issue and wonder if perhaps they don't, or overlook it.  then, i lose interest, and they do not ever seem to understand that i'm not wanting to take things further. i've become disgustingly good at handling the scenario actually, and so i continue to cruise along smoothly. 

during a church retreat of all things, i met one that stopped me like, oh lets say a speed bump.  so i tripped over it/her, and things were going really well i think for the both of us at first, we had so many core things in common.  it seemed as though we wanted the same things, i really couldn't see anything wrong with her, and that's something that i've never seen before.  she impressed me like no one had before.  right now, it actually hurts a little that we aren't seeing each other anymore. the thing is, i spoke up first and decided that we should create some space. i think it's what she wanted though as well, and that's what hurt.  i'm not sure if it would have worked, i got so scared of getting too deep, that i was willing to sacrifice something i really appreciated.  after all, i graduate and move off to grad school or work in 5 months or so. i've moved off away from someone before and it's beyond difficult.  it's just a good thing we got out of it before either of us got hurt i suppose. i'm impressed with myself with how easy it was for me to shake off any emotion.  i don't know if that's good or bad actually.


but i've been thinking, if something is that good, and it's right there in front of you....why not take it? what is really stopping you? why worry about the future so much? the experiences that you make right now in these situations can be wonderful, and even if things don't work out in the end, i've come to the conclusion that it's worth the risk. life is beautiful and infinite in possibilities fool!



all i know is, right now i'm growing weary of being solo.  i want someone who i can talk about anything with, share new experiences and ideas, sleep with at night, dream about, argue with, kiss, have sex, laugh with, support...you know, the mushy stuff.  once you've been there and had those things before, you miss them at some point. some of these things can happen while dating, but it's not consistent, and living in that dating-scene for as long as i have makes me feel like all of those elements have lost their authenticity.