my sentiments exactly sir

Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit
Feelin' lit, feelin' light, 2 a.m., summer night.
I don't care, hand on the wheel,
Drivin' drunk, I'm doin' my thing
Rollin in the Midwest side and out,
Livin' my life, getting' out dreams
People told me slow my roll,
I'm screaming out, fuck that
Imma do just what I want,
Lookin' ahead no turnin' back
If I fall, If I die,
Know I lived it to the fullest,
If I fall, if I die,
Know I lived and missed some bullets

CHORUS:
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine, once I get it, I'll be goooood.
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine, once I get it, I'll be goooood.

Tell me what you know about dreamin' (dreamin')
You don't really know about nothin' (nothin')
Tell me what you know about them night terrors, every night
5 a.m, cold sweats wakin' up, to the sky
Tell me what you know about dreams, dreams
Tell me what you know about night terrors, nothin'
You don't really care about the trials of tomorrow
Rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow

CHORUS:
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be goooood.
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine, once I get it, I'll be goooood.

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine, once I get it, I'll be goooood.

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold, hey
I'll be fine once I get it, yeah, I'll be good

I'm on the pursuit of happiness
And I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold, hey
I'll be fine once I get it, yeah
I'll be good

Pursuit of happiness, yeah.
I don't get it, I'll be good

Ugh.
Ah, man,
Ugh, ayite, ugh
Room's spinnin'. Room's spinnin'.
Matt... Zulie... wait.
Oh my god why did I drink so much and slug so much?, ah
Ugh, fuck.

beep beep

I will miss the bus rides in the mornings and evenings on my way to and from work. The familiar faces of the 20-somethings who cram together with me for our commute. None of us know each other, we are all strangers, yet we all recognize each other from the transit, day in and day out. I'll miss that. It is like we are part of an unidentified society. 

And on those bus rides I'll miss that these New Englanders often leave their shades open to display their cozy homes. The warm glow resonating from inside their homes are just as much a window for me to capture a glimpse of their lives as it is for them to see the day begin and end. So many people. So many humans! So many snug brick-laden streets and American flags.

Gosh...it's really awkward to observe this when all of these atrocious things are happening in Syria. Their city neighborhoods are being shelled by the armies and government that is supposed to protect them.

Wilted

uproot by Grace Kim

I'm like a plant that has been grounded and pulled out so many times that my roots have become torn and lost. And yet I have ripped them out myself. Never in my life have I seriously considered that I would stay where I am. It is as if I have always expected to uproot myself time and time again, so often that it seems practically an inevitable and natural course of my life. 

Home is home; in Texas where my mother and father are, with our land and country home. I think it will remain 'home' until I have a family of my own. But as early as high school, I knew that I would leave, I'd go some place new for college. Then, in college I knew that I wouldn't stay there further than my studies, and go some place new for work. And now everywhere that I have worked, I have never thought for a moment that there was any permanence to my dwelling. 

I now realize that my roots have been long gone; there is nothing left to grasp myself into the ground because of the constant planting and break-away. I know my roots can grow back, but I convince myself of the plan to move on to something else, leaving no time for them to truly regenerate.

What am I becoming?

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

Citizenship in a Republic
Theodore Roosevelt Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

I'm becoming part of an item.  This is good, and I like it, which is a strange feeling for me.

And, I am having less nightmares recently, my dreams are becoming more neutral.  I have more or less just been wandering around in my dream worlds instead of having something chasing me or pulling me around.

And, something is going to happen soon.  Maybe not.

And, I am probably going to vote for Barrack Obama again this year, I still support him, and fear the ideals that his opponents hold.  I think people forget that no President in modern times is ever truly popular among the people in the United States.  In hindsight things always get special attention and perspectives become skewed. 

And, back in 2005 I came to the conclusion that anything by Writer/Director Terrence Malick was worth seeing for me.  He creates such a deep, emotional trance in me that it becomes hard for me to come back to earth and not remain careless, almost in a state of perpetual melancholy.  Here are a few of his recent works:

 

The Tree of Life

The New World

The Thin Red Line

quelle est la prochaine

When I'm tired, then I'll sleep.

I walk on the metal grating on sidewalks because I am nervous about falling through them.

Neither of us know what's next for me.

Running a sprint as fast as I can is one of the best feelings.

Neither of us know what's next for me.

How am I to deal with so many choices and freedoms?

Il ne fait pas de mal...

I feel like if I ignore painful emotions they will go away.  

If something seems scary for me, I create the worse case scenario in my mind and play it in front of my face at full force until it quickly seems unlikely, or at least until I grow numb to the fear.  Then, I find that I soon won't notice the danger or cause of what is bothering me and can brush it off like an annoying bug.  For example, I like to pretend in my mind that I am jumping off of high places, convincing myself in every sense...right on the verge of my brain sending instructions to my muscles to physically jump...that I am leaping to my death until my heart and adrenaline calm.

If I hurt someone's feelings, and feel bad about my choices, I take consolation in that I tried to make it has gentle as possible and seek to focus on ANYTHING else that distracts me from the pain of guilt.  For example, I like to play video games and read books to escape the pain of breaking up with girls, because it takes my mind off of the memories of the "us" I severed.

If I am sad about something, I work to talk myself into discovering the root of my ache, and knocking it down and making it seem trivial.  For example, I can break down and cry hard for 5-10 seconds and quickly recover myself by ignoring the sadness because I realize it is only temporary.  I convince myself that it isn't worth the effort or emotion to be sad since it won't last.

I realize that my methods are probably not psychologically...likely even physically healthy.  I believe that as humans we have such a variety of emotions for a reason, and it is likely that feeling them is a natural occurrence.  But I have discovered a way of blocking out the negative and being slightly and realistically optimistic.  I have taught my body and mind to react a certain way to situations, and I adore my malleability.  Only later did I discover the philosophical school of Stoicism, and find that I am far from the only person who uses this approach in their lives.