At this point, I have no idea what I am doing. When have I ever. I have had plans and dreams, but as of right now, things seem unreachable. I can see why so many adults throughout my life have settled. I understand now. I get why people stop fighting for their dreams and desires. I don't blame people for living their seemingly boring lives that I will never understand the details of.
When I was younger it seemed easy: If you wanted to be something or to go somewhere, then the answer seemed to be to just do it. There was no question about it. Now I realize that if everyone actually followed their dreams, our world would be a completely different place. Our civilization would be unrecognizable...so much that I can't even imagine the difference. I do know that it wouldn't be what we have now. I also realize now that those people older than me settled at some point and many stopped trying...living the way that they did because it was practical. They compromised because they knew that they couldn't have it all. I suppose that some individuals can, but it's rare. Most people do what they do out of necessity and comfort. Dreams are often uncomfortable to obtain.
So I come to this point where I find myself with a good job, a solid social life, and little material wants. What else could I ask for? What do I want? Who do I want? Am I so blinded by the confusion with what to do with myself that I am missing important things in front of me? Do I compromise it all and just accept what I have? What about my dreams? What about the places that I want to go experience, jobs I want to try, things that I want to learn? Am I defying myself? Am I betraying my heart? Am I being true to myself? Am I destroying a part of myself?
I'd like to believe that God has set my paths, that He is guiding me the entire time. Yes...I would like to. But I cannot accept that as a full truth. Things may indeed happen for a reason, but where is the free-will if all is predestined? If I am being guided then whatever would need to happen would happen. But where is my dream? Where is my decision in all of this? Is it all supposed to make me and everyone else happy?
Anger and sadness are just as much of a gift to the human emotion as joy. I argue that things wouldn't be changed or improve if it wasn't for negative feelings. Justice carried out, nations liberated, slaves freed, rights granted, pain relieved...the motives are countless. So does God put us before things that make us unhappy as to push us to change things? Is He even doing any of that? Does it matter?
If I believe that he knew what to do with me, then I wouldn't worry. I may not know what I am doing, but I would trust that events would happen in my life to make me understand my purpose. But deep down, I am not sure that I really believe that. I feel that I have to make the change on my own. The problem is, what changes do I want? What am I willing to give up to get those changes? Would I be happy with those changes and finally live my dream?
