windows

The two former Marines that I sat across didn't know each other until moments ago. One had finished his service 3 years ago, the other just 3 days ago. I observed them talking about where they were based and what places they traveled, but there was not one word between them about what they did or what they saw. Instead, they exchanged annoyances about administrative duties, and eventually began talking in acronyms and numbers until I was lost and sat there blankly. 

Suddenly, I snapped out of my trance because I noticed the silence between the two young men. Each of them were facing forward with their eyes cast slightly downward towards their thoughts. Each man had the look of a person reliving a memory; the eyes empty and devoid of sight, while the mind takes over and plays the recording of what the eyes had once witnessed. After a few moments, the older Marine, still not looking at anything in particular, said, "I'd never do it again." The younger Marine without pause replied, "Yeah no way. I'd never go back. I'm done." The two didn't talk a word more about their service, and carried on about their families and homes.

Bless those that have seen war. I'd want to leave it behind too.

if i do this, then this happens

I'm fascinated with cause and effect. So much that sometimes I don't even need to physically carry out the action because I can find satisfaction in living the action and result in my head. 

Why not take something dark for example? Yeah. Why not.

I can hold a knife, and envision tearing deep lines in my wrists. I don't think of this dark event because I want to die, but because I want to toy with the reaction. In my head I believe it would hurt, but it's not a normal kind of pain. It's a deep, warm, almost dull pain. The dark red heating my skin and filling my vision. My body, being the conscious machine that it is reacts wildly to defend and preserve itself. My heart racing, only speeding the streams. Meanwhile my mind stays calm as the decision-maker...but like on the edge of a cliff...in awe and wonder that the body is on the verge of destruction. The body scrambles and fights in vain to live, making me feel warmer and warmer until I sweat. It becomes like there are truly two of me, one letting go and the other desperately pleading for life. 

When I have imagined this, I sometimes feel like I can get the high, or the rush of the reality. I don't know why my mind goes there...but it has liked to for many years now. I'd never actually do it. You see, I don't actually want the ultimate effect!

My addiction isn't always sadistic; I told a story not long ago about me wanting to run out onto the Texas Rangers Ballpark.  

Sometimes I'll even play out little reactions, like if I am exchanging something between a person, I'll try to keep my grasp lazy or aggressive to ensure that I touch their hand...simply to get that feeling of closeness to another individual. Other times I'll give a person a compliment that, although is genuine, is unnecessary--not because I want to express my feelings, but just so I can watch how that person reacts to my words. It reminds me of being a kid and making faces at a dog or cat, just to find out their response to a particular image of me. 

Maybe it's an infatuation with power; the ability to move an object or create an event with my will. Perhaps it's no different than a child pushing a button to hear a sound; satisfied with the result because "I did it".