I raised an eyebrow to find "I hit myself..." being finished by Google with "...when I'm angry". The reason beingggggggggggggggggg I do this. Probably since I was 8 or 9 I think I can remember starting to do this. I'd punch myself in the head, thighs, or abdomen at certain times when I became angry. I slammed a door into my head yesterday and realized..."wow I still do this?"
When I hit myself I don't want to hurt myself or damage anything, which is why I do it out of sight and not with anything that would have brash results. I have come to the conclusion that it is a crude way of dealing with anger. I'm not sure if I want it to stop. It's not that I like hitting myself, it's just that I don't care. I like my other mediums of mitigating being upset by running, reading, blogging, or trying to be around friends or family, but those are not always available, nor do they always seem like appealing solutions.
But I will say that when it happens it eases the stress slightly. I don't think anyone has ever seen me do this, and I have not ever had an awkward conversation about where a bruise came from. I never thought all of this time that it was harmful. I probably still won't. I guess what sucks is the fact that I still get so enraged at myself. Sometimes the cause is bad luck, but in the end I will find a way to blame myself for not being able to avoid something or make a better decision somewhere along the line. More often than not the reason I hit myself is because I can't stand the fact that I made a bad choice. I have never hit myself because of anger at someone else, which is good I think.
I feel stupid, embarrassed, and even childish about this behavior. It's strange, or maybe not after reading some of the comments, questions, and diagnosis about this on the web. But either way I have never been able to let this go over the years...but at least it's not an event every time I get upset.
I've read extremes; that some people take this habit as far as cutting themselves or coming close to suicide. I've never considered doing anything like that...for me it has always involved quick, furious blows to a part of my body. It usually lasts only a few seconds. I'm not quite sure if it's a way for me to punish myself, or just to feel something. I've read that some psychologists relate it to depression and/or to distract from the present emotion of being disappointed in oneself. It beats me. (haha)
