Il ne fait pas de mal...

I feel like if I ignore painful emotions they will go away.  

If something seems scary for me, I create the worse case scenario in my mind and play it in front of my face at full force until it quickly seems unlikely, or at least until I grow numb to the fear.  Then, I find that I soon won't notice the danger or cause of what is bothering me and can brush it off like an annoying bug.  For example, I like to pretend in my mind that I am jumping off of high places, convincing myself in every sense...right on the verge of my brain sending instructions to my muscles to physically jump...that I am leaping to my death until my heart and adrenaline calm.

If I hurt someone's feelings, and feel bad about my choices, I take consolation in that I tried to make it has gentle as possible and seek to focus on ANYTHING else that distracts me from the pain of guilt.  For example, I like to play video games and read books to escape the pain of breaking up with girls, because it takes my mind off of the memories of the "us" I severed.

If I am sad about something, I work to talk myself into discovering the root of my ache, and knocking it down and making it seem trivial.  For example, I can break down and cry hard for 5-10 seconds and quickly recover myself by ignoring the sadness because I realize it is only temporary.  I convince myself that it isn't worth the effort or emotion to be sad since it won't last.

I realize that my methods are probably not psychologically...likely even physically healthy.  I believe that as humans we have such a variety of emotions for a reason, and it is likely that feeling them is a natural occurrence.  But I have discovered a way of blocking out the negative and being slightly and realistically optimistic.  I have taught my body and mind to react a certain way to situations, and I adore my malleability.  Only later did I discover the philosophical school of Stoicism, and find that I am far from the only person who uses this approach in their lives.

memories of autumn

Directly in front of the door of our house was a persimmon tree.  I remember my dad put my brother, sister, and I in the bucket of the tractor to pick the fruit during November.  We would be lifted up and moved around to all parts of the tree to harvest as much as we could, dropping the persimmon berries around our feet.  I think my mom used to make a jam out of them, but I recall that I didn't care for the taste.  

The air was usually starting to feel crisp, and I remember brimming with excitement because of the coming of the holidays and change of environment.  Maybe autumn is my favourite season.

I had my appendix removed when I was 11, and I missed a week of school that November.  Fighting boredom, one morning I sat on the front step of the house with my bb gun, looking for some target to practice with.  There was a woodpecker in that same persimmon tree, knocking away about 40ft from me.  I cocked up my gun, took aim, and missed.  The bird seemed to only slightly notice the shot flying past him, but then continued pecking noisily away.  

I cocked, took aim, and remembered my dad mentioning to breathe out when taking a shot to keep steady.  I squeezed the trigger, raising my eyebrows.  I knew I hit the bird, but he didn't move.  The bird stopped moving and remained still...suddenly he leaned forward and turned upside down, resembling a door hinge with his feet locked onto the branch.  After a second he dropped to the ground.  I paced over to my kill of this little bird, I noticed he seemed so much smaller up close.  

My shot went right to his head.  I assumed he must of been killed instantly and his body stiffened, contributing to his silly death flop.  I felt bad seeing him there on the ground in the front yard.  Even by that age, through growing up on a farm and hunting, I had ended plenty of animals before, but I hadn't killed one needlessly.  I don't like personifying animals, and I don't think the bird had any feelings, but I felt remorse for taking his life for no reason.  The woodpecker was alive and well only 20 seconds before, going about his instinctive work...and I ended him only because I had the power to.  I learned something that autumn day which I will never forget.

Little bit

repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat