gah

For me, it feels like almost all the things that make me upset are things that are completely out of my control.  Even knowing that the origins of those pains are out of my reach, why do they still hurt so bad?

number 1

I remember I was 14 in my first year of high school when I got my first note from a girl in class.  She probably gave me 10 notes or so over a couple months, but I probably only wrote her back 2 times I think.  She was African-American, which wasn't a surprise to me or anything, but I remember at the time I didn't care particularly because it felt good for a girl to be interested in me.  She was an okay looking girl, nothing stunning, but far from ugly.  And I wasn't a popular kid in middle school or high school, but it was nice that someone noticed me, and she was probably more well known than I was.

I remember holding her notes all day and not reading them until I got home, when I'd close my bedroom door and sit on the floor against the wall and read them, and then take out the ones she had sent before and read them back again.  We had lockers right next to each other, so I would see her everyday and we would chat a little.  At the time I didn't understand how the dating or boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic worked, I never knew what to do, I didn't even know if I wanted to see her in that way.  Even if I did, I know had no 'game', I mean come on I was a skinny goody-two-shoes nerd that never really said more than 3 sentences to a girl at once.  

Gosh when I look back at that fact, that I couldn't even talk to girls, being the way I am now, is so bizarre.

One Friday day at my locker, she handed me a small note, and folded it in a complicated way that took me a good 10-15 seconds or so to open, maybe she thought I opened them on the spot.  Because after she gave it to me she quickly went off to the last class before the end of the day, so I wouldn't see her until next week.  When I got home and opened it, I blushed...