looking for something, i guess...

i just can't seem to get comfortable in my setting. in the last 2 years i've been in 5 countries, and 6 different states. and i don't mean i went through them in passing on my way to some other place. i laid my head in all of these places and in some cases lived there for months. what the hell is the deal? after i'm in one place for long enough i feel out-of-sync. in some cases it has been loneliness, but for the most part it has been anger.

i've been angry at myself for not developing and/or keeping good relationships. not just with girls, but friends as well. it's my fault. i'm the one who left. how can i expect anyone to wait for me or count on me to settle down when i'm all over the place? it angers me that i upset people when i go, because while i'm in my next location all i can think about is "what if i had stayed there? maybe i should have? maybe my friend would be closer to me? maybe that girl and i could have fit really well together? maybe my parents wouldn't worry so much?"

it's like i keep traveling around in search of some particular thing or idea or .......man i don't even know. i'm going to force myself to sit still here in springfield missouri for a while and learn latin and arabic for 2 years. 2 years of one place instead of many. maybe i will go mad and eat my own head. ouch.