hockey

things always get better, and we always hope they will, otherwise why would we even keep going hah?!

you know you haven't had a good laugh in a while when you laugh at something really, really dumb. whatever it was might have been a little silly, but you end up rolling on the floor laughing so hard.....it's like you're releasing your stress, and making up for the past couple of weeks that you didn't laugh, all at once.

so i'm playing hockey on the playstation3 with my roomate, and the commentator for the game said the line:

"....he took a good, long dump into the offensive end...."

haha, it still makes me laugh. basically the player lightly threw (dumped) the puck into the opposing team's (offensive) side of the ice.

yeah i'm a dork, what?

well, shit

bad. bad bad bad.  i just worked on a project that was supposed to last a good many weeks, thus giving me more money that i badly needed, but it rained a lot and it couldn't get done. the project was down by the gulf of mexico, so it was an expensive, bitch of a drive, whilst staying in a hotel for weeks...ughh.  once we realized the project was not possible to continue, my co-workers and i decided to head back home to dallas. 


my car wouldn't start. i couldn't believe my luck, i'm down here in the southern edge of texas, far from home or anyone i know, and i can't start my car. i don't even know why it's not working, i checked everything i knew.  anyways, the situation was resolved by having my car towed 3 hours to houston to have it fixed. so ultimately, the money that i did make from the project i had now just spent on gas and having my car fixed.


damn it. i'm so angry right now, why the hell does this shit have to happen now. i still want to go to grad school, but i can't go now unless the school offers me an assistantship, balls.  i need to get higher GRE scores.  why does that stupid test give me such a hard time?  for now i've just got to work, which is fine, i just can't find enough projects in my field around where i live.  it's too expensive now to pack up and leave.  i'm determined to get an office job working as a robot for some sales/business/marketing position here in the dallas/ft worth area. it's the only way out.  heavens i never thought i'd say something like that, ever.



i can't even feed myself. the work i've been doing is too incosistent. and i have student loans, rent, and bills to pay for. what the fuck, i know things almost never go as planned, but i have a degree, great grades, and lots of work experience and i have nothing to show for it but a 41 thousand dollar loan bill to pay off. i can't even buy food!  thank goodness for credit cards or i would probably have blown away in the wind!  on the other hand, i'm digging myself into another hole with debt. shit.



it's to the point where it's more important to have shelter and food in me than it is for me to focus so much on my dreams.  sometimes they just aren't reachable for a while, i can accept that, but i'm angry. now today my passport got mailed back to me.....my old one that is. the state department my money anyway, and told me that they can't process it because i have a stolen/lost investigation on an older one. i have to start from scratch and buy another. and i need one for grad school applications abroad and work projects. thanks for screwing me over again department of state. it wasn't enough that you lost my last passport in the mail and made me buy another one that was temporary. fuck you.  i've had to buy 3 passports and pay to expedite two of them.



my student loan payment didn't go through, it's now 12 days overdue. they told me that it would take a while for the payment to process because it's coming from this particular conservation agency, and now the bank and the loan agency say that they didn't receive the money either, and yet the money is gone. well where the fuck did it go? i submitted it well before the due date....3 weeks later they still don't know where it is. it's out of my hands, why should i have to be the middle man between a loan agency that wants my money anyway, and a bank that i have done a service for? damn you both. i've been on the phone with representatives for both sides for 4 hours today. they both just blame it on the other and say they didn't do this or that. so i find myself arguing for them...all i want is for my loan payments to go through, i earned the money i paid the payment. what else do they want me to do?

i have no food damn it. i just want to get some lame ass job at this point and do whatever it is they need me to do. because it isn't right for me to be in financial trouble like this when all i've done is work my ass off in college and work since finishing high school.


man i thought writing all of this would make me feel better but it doesn't.  perhaps an angry nap?

where did the time go?

things have got to get better for me. things aren't bad, it's just every day i'm reminded of the past and how fun it was.....how happy i was. things have got to get better right? there must be good days, just as beautiful and memorable as they were in the past. there's got to be memories to be made that will at least match the old ones.