awaken

This is a portrait of me that I had painted around 1807. Of course, in those days I had always dressed properly, and portraits were done by an artist with a brush, not a silly lense. Anyhow...

My damn i-pod headphones broke again. What the hell is wrong with apple that they cannot manufacture a descent pair of headphones when they make the most reliable, popular set of mp3 players in the world. This is my 4th pair of headphones, now I have to buy a 5th-I'm definately considering buying some other brand, but I like these white i-pod ones for some reason. This means going to e-bay and ordering another, and then waiting for them. Wow, if that is all I have to complain about, things must be kickin ass!

Another awakening retreat, another awesome time. I used to go to mass, not for weak reasons, but mainly because I felt I owed God, and I should because it's the right thing to do as a Catholic Christian. I still go for these reasons, but now I really really love going. I love the community of friends and family, I feel warm as I worship and rejoice for God's love, and I think my relationship with God is getting stronger. I can't put into words how it makes me feel, it's almost like being on a drug hah!

As for the retreats, it's unique to have the opportunity to talk with educated people who have more or less the same ideals and morals as you. Instead of being at school and living in what I think is a fairly secular/diverse America, where people differ, judge, and sometimes even insult you for your thoughts, reasoning, and philosophy, there are people that will listen and perhaps agree with you on theological/faith ideas. Futhermore, being with people my age, who like to goof off and act immature at times just like me, who share the same goals of support, love, and closeness to God, is purely a dream. To see these people spending their time helping others and at the same time enriching their spirits for their faith is absolutely beautiful. I am just so blessed that it breaks my heart....

more...

more scary dreams. i kinda like them, not when they are occuring, but it's the thrill of fear that's pretty cool afterwards. they are so vivid! you know how you forget dreams a few hours after they happen? well, these dreams stick.
a recent one was that i dreamt i was lying in bed facing the wall. suddenly the wall to my back started moving toward me, i couldn't see it because i wasn't facing it, but i could feel it pushing closer, until the bed and blankets started closing in on me tighter and tighter. i was still lying on my side facing the opposite wall. but behind me everything was slowly starting to envelope over my back and legs. it wasn't uncomfortable at first, but the pressure was gradually becoming stronger. i started to hear a groaning sound, then it felt like a body of something was moving over my back and side...something much bigger than me.

i can't describe but that i felt pure terror.  i thought i was going to die and i couldn't move, it swore that someone or something else was in the room with me, just beyond the edge of my peripheral vision.

i woke up, lying on my side facing the wall in the exact same position. the wall and bed starting pushing over me again, the groaning started, more like a low grumble or roar. lord the fear. it felt more like something alive was touching me this time, crushing me with its mass, i couldn't move i was so afraid. i kept wondering how this was happening because i thought i woke up. i could still see the wall in front of me and i looked at nothing else, i think i was too scared to look up or behind me. i could see out of the corner of my eye that whatever it was behind me was dark. i remember thinking to myself i had to wake up fast or i would die or something. but it was like the the thing moving over me was moving so slowly it wasn't actually gaining any distance. the groaning continued and i finally woke up.......laying on my side, facing the wall.

that grumbling noise is still in my head. def one of the scariest sounds i've ever heard.