God grant me the strength, to accept the things that i cannot change. i worry too much. so much to the point where i think it actually makes me ill.
so about girls....
i've been very careful the past 3 years being single to not get to close to one in particular. the bar was kind of set with the previous relationship, and though i dumped her i'm afraid of hurting myself and or someone else again. i've been trying to be as friendly as possible for a long while until i'm very sure i am seriously interested in them. plenty have liked me, often it's more than i would like them to so early on, so i end up letting them off, well perhaps that's just after leading them on. i'm picky, i think everyone should be, and so far there has been always something(s) i discover that is non-compatable with every girl i start seeing. i see the issue and wonder if perhaps they don't, or overlook it. then, i lose interest, and they do not ever seem to understand that i'm not wanting to take things further. i've become disgustingly good at handling the scenario actually, and so i continue to cruise along smoothly.
during a church retreat of all things, i met one that stopped me like, oh lets say a speed bump. so i tripped over it/her, and things were going really well i think for the both of us at first, we had so many core things in common. it seemed as though we wanted the same things, i really couldn't see anything wrong with her, and that's something that i've never seen before. she impressed me like no one had before. right now, it actually hurts a little that we aren't seeing each other anymore. the thing is, i spoke up first and decided that we should create some space. i think it's what she wanted though as well, and that's what hurt. i'm not sure if it would have worked, i got so scared of getting too deep, that i was willing to sacrifice something i really appreciated. after all, i graduate and move off to grad school or work in 5 months or so. i've moved off away from someone before and it's beyond difficult. it's just a good thing we got out of it before either of us got hurt i suppose. i'm impressed with myself with how easy it was for me to shake off any emotion. i don't know if that's good or bad actually.
but i've been thinking, if something is that good, and it's right there in front of you....why not take it? what is really stopping you? why worry about the future so much? the experiences that you make right now in these situations can be wonderful, and even if things don't work out in the end, i've come to the conclusion that it's worth the risk. life is beautiful and infinite in possibilities fool!
all i know is, right now i'm growing weary of being solo. i want someone who i can talk about anything with, share new experiences and ideas, sleep with at night, dream about, argue with, kiss, have sex, laugh with, support...you know, the mushy stuff. once you've been there and had those things before, you miss them at some point. some of these things can happen while dating, but it's not consistent, and living in that dating-scene for as long as i have makes me feel like all of those elements have lost their authenticity.
